


Crying Your Heart Out

by SoonerOrLater



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Crying, Developing Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:33:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28876506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoonerOrLater/pseuds/SoonerOrLater
Summary: The first, second and third times David and Patrick cried in front of each other. And the first time they cried together.
Relationships: David Rose/Patrick Brewer
Comments: 52
Kudos: 231





	1. David

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know about anyone else but I've both been crying a lot lately and in need of a good cry. So I've channelled it into a bunch of stories about these two doing the same.

The first time David cried in front of Patrick was exactly one month after they’d met. And crying in front of your new business partner wasn’t exactly the look David was going for. 

In his defence, he also wasn’t intending to cry. And he also wasn’t intending Patrick to see. 

It had been a long morning and it was only 11 am. His Mom was being particularly ‘Moira Rose’ as his Dad was fond of calling it (behind her back obviously). And if he was honest David wasn’t even sure what about. All he knew was it was loud at the Motel and his Mom was a lot of the noise. And so when she’d said ‘Your little Store’ during one of her rants he’d reached the end of what little patience he had and stormed off to his ‘little store’ and everything had gone wrong. 

Patrick wasn’t going to be back until after lunch. He had a meeting at the bank in Elmdale, signing the last of the forms and doing the finance stuff that David was in fact relieved not to have to take on. And so he was dealing with deliveries and suppliers. Except it was all going wrong. 

The wrong delivery of moisturizer had come. He had no idea what it was or who it was for but it certainly wasn’t theirs. And now they were going to be down a substantial set of stock. And the supplier wasn’t answering. At the same time, a shipment of cheese had come in that was definitely off. And had leaked. And was currently stinking out the bathroom because he didn’t know what else to do with it. And he was aware- before Patrick reminded him- that he still hadn’t called the electrician. But the phone hadn’t stopped ringing every time he’d got off it, with apparently every supplier confused about something. Finally, an email had pinged in with a request for ‘Urgent Documents’ that he’d never heard of. And he panicked. And started to stress-cry. 

Everyone was right. It was a stupid idea and he couldn’t pull it off. Everything was a disaster. He’d lose all the money he’d invested, and all the loans before they even opened. Everyone would see that David Rose was a disaster as ever, who couldn’t do anything right. All he’d wanted was to finally get something right. Hot tears rolled down his face and he didn’t bother to stop them. He couldn’t do anything, but he could unpack bath salts. So he didn’t that. Except on opening the box, he cut his hand. Just a paper cut really but it was enough to fully push him over the edge. 

‘Fuck! Fucking fuck!’ he shouted to nobody grabbing his hand. He sunk down behind the counter and cursed to himself letting himself cry for a second. 

Then the door opened. 

‘Fuck’ he muttered. If it was Stevie he might get away with some light mockery now, and get left alone. Anyone else he was only proving their point. 

‘David?’

Of course it was Patrick. Back early. Why was he so efficient? He didn’t answer for a second. 

‘David?’ Patrick sounded concerned. Of course he was, the door was unlocked, and he was nowhere to be seen. 

‘I’m here.’ he said with an air of defeat. 

‘David?’ the third one was confused. David sighed and rested his head against the back of the counter. 

Patrick followed the sound of David’s voice to the other side of the counter. He was slumped on the floor, holding his hand. Patrick’s first instinct was he’d hurt himself, and he panicked slightly. 

‘Are you ok?’ he said, rounding the counter and crouching next to him. It was only then he realised David was crying. Just a bit, he looked like he might have been crying more but it was now just a soft sniffle. ‘David what happened?’ he leaned over and instinctively rested a hand on his knee, before becoming very conscious he’d just rested his hand on his knee. David didn’t reply. He dipped his head sniffing. 

‘Great.’ he muttered ‘Now you know what a disaster I am.’

‘Are you hurt?’ Patrick noticed he was holding one hand out, and he reached over and turned it over. He felt David start a little ‘Sorry.’ he muttered. It was just a cut, looked like he’d opened a box and got the sharp end of something. It had stopped bleeding either way. ‘You’ll live.’ Patrick said with a smile. Then shifted himself to the ground next to David. 

‘I don’t know how to do it.’ David sniffed.

‘Do what?’ Patrick shook his head confused. 

‘All of it.’ he gestured ‘I’m making a mess.’

Patrick nodded slowly. ‘Well David, while you do excel at making a mess whenever I ask you for any inventory lists...look at this place.’ it was his turn to gesture. 

‘It’s a mess.’ David sniffed. 

‘David.’ Patrick said with a little chuckle ‘It’s full of products waiting to be shelved. You’ve got all new furnishings, a sign...some kind of design concept that I really don’t understand but that’s ok, I’m just the numbers guy. You’re doing it.’ he smiled, and rested a hand on David’s shoulder. He finally looked up again. He knew David lacked confidence in his abilities but he hadn’t realised it was getting to him that much. ‘But if you want more help, ask me, that’s what I’m here for.’

‘I thought you were numbers guy?’ David said a little smile creeping in. Patrick hadn’t laughed at him. This was...new. He felt himself calming a bit. 

‘I can count body milk as we unpack it though.’ Patrick smiled. ‘And I know I nag you to do stuff, but if you’re, you know overwhelmed or whatever because there’s a bunch of stuff you’re doing I don’t know about...tell me.’ he knew he was hard on David, mostly teasing him, it was his way of being friendly especially in the face of...whatever he was feeling here. Not helped by the fact David looked over at him with a lopsided grin right at that moment. 

‘You really do want to help?’ he looked confused even though he was smiling. 

Patrick nodded. ‘It’s our Store. And you’re my...friend.’ he ventured. ‘I mean if…’

David did that thing again where he tried not to grin and failed. Covering his mouth with his good hand. ‘Yeah you’re my friend.’ he said looking down. He didn’t know why that was making him embarrassed. ‘In case you hadn’t noticed I’m wildly popular around here, so you’re lucky to get in on that list.’

‘Oh me too. Very in demand. Surprised I’ve got time in my social calendar to work.’ Patrick grinned. ‘Stay there.’ he said getting up. 

David heard him walk around the counter and go and grab something from the fridge. He returned with a juice bottle. 

‘Rehydration.’ he said ‘Can't have you getting a headache.’ 

David smiled and took it gratefully, taking a swig. Sheepishly he handed it to Patrick who smiled and took a sip. 

‘It’s all going to be ok David.’ Patrick said resting a hand briefly, and immediately self-consciously, on David’s back. 

‘Well, I’m glad someone is still very sure of themselves.’ David said, raising an eyebrow. Then he nodded slowly. ‘It might work right?’

‘It just might all work out ok.’ Patrick smiled, handing him back the juice, then standing up. ‘Come on.’ he said offering a hand ‘Walk me through the disasters I missed.’ 

David nodded and took Patrick’s offered hand, it was cool and soft. When he got to his feet he forgot to let go for a second. Until they both awkwardly dropped the other’s hand. ‘Um right, yeah so these came.’ David gestured at the boxes, before launching into a monologue on the unfolding disaster. 

Patrick listened nodding patiently, making a list of things to do to fix it in his head. But at the same time marvelling at David’s passion. How much he clearly cared about all this. How knowledgeable he was without realising it. And how confused he was by all this. By now he was starting to feel about his business partner. How he thought he felt. On top of a new business and a new town, now there was this. Whatever this was. 

‘Patrick?’ David interrupted his train of thought. ‘I said what are these figures here? I can’t do it and you're the numbers guy…’ David flailed his arms and Patrick snapped back to reality going over to help him.


	2. Patrick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patrick is determind to show his handyman skills. It ends in tears.

The first time Patrick cried in front of David was exactly a week after David had first cried in front of him. And also earlier than either of them probably would have liked. It was also less an emotional, more a painful experience. It was also characteristically borne out of stubbornness and a refusal to actually ask for help. Or professional input. 

Patrick was convinced he could repair the cupboard door himself. It was a simple job, one that didn’t require paying overtime to Ronnie and her assistant who, in his mind, they’d already paid way too many hours for. 

‘Look David it’s fine.’ 

‘It’s not, it's not straight.’ David said ‘And on that, I am an expert.’ his attempt at humour fell flat on Patrick in serious, ‘I can fix it mode’ 

‘David I think I know how to screw on a door.’ he looked at it. David was right. It wasn’t straight. It was in fact hanging at a 45-degree angle. ‘Oh.’ he said with a sigh. 

‘Well look it doesn’t have to open, for now as long as it shuts.’ David tried to be helpful. 

‘Well that’s rather the problem, it doesn’t shut.’ Patrick moved the door which swung at a comedy angle. He jiggled it a bit. And a bit more. David joined in. What neither of them noticed was the jiggling brought the shelf above crashing down on Patrick’s other hand. 

There was a horrible second of slow-motion realisation before the pain hit. It was a thick oak shelf that had just fallen nearly three feet onto his fingertips. David heard the crash. Looked up and saw Patrick’s eyes go wide. They both froze for a second before David scrambled to get the shelf off. Patrick whipped his hand out. And the pain hit. 

It had caught his fingertips and his knuckles. Both of which were turning a bright red. He felt hot tears in his eyes, out of sheer pain. David, to his surprise, became suddenly calm. 

‘Bathroom.’ he said ‘Cold water.’ he shooed Patrick ahead of him while he tried not to cry out in pain. 

‘Fuck.’ He muttered between clenched teeth. He realised it had also scraped his hand so a large graze was leaking a tiny bit of blood. 

David apparently in First Aid mode took no prisoners and lacked unsurprisingly in bedside manner. He thrust Patrick’s hand under the cold tap holding it there. Which caused fresh tears to spring to his eyes. He’d be embarrassed if the pain wasn’t taking all of his concentration right now. After a few moments, David pulled his hand out and wrapped it in a towel that he’d also soaked in the cold water. 

‘The cut looks fine, we’ll put some antiseptic on it in a bit. Hold that on it for a bit and you’ll be ok.’ 

Patrick nodded his thanks. And registered he had a face streaked with tears. David leaned over to the toilet and handed him a wad of tissue with a little lopsided smile. 

‘Well now we’ve both cried in the Store and we’re not even open yet.’ He said. 

Patrick laughed and wiped at his face. ‘Strong start.’ he said. 

David smiled again. ‘Let me look at that cut.’ he said. He gestured for Patrick to sit on the closed toilet and he dutifully did so holding out his hand. David unwrapped the towel and held Patrick’s hand in his palm to palm while he turned it over gently. ‘Tell me if this hurts.’ he said and he ran his hand over Patrick’s knuckles. It didn’t hurt but he shivered involuntarily. A bolt of something he desperately tried to ignore running through him. He locked eyes with David. 

‘Um it-uh tickles.’ he said, feeling redness creeping to his cheeks. 

‘Well if it tickles I’m pretty sure it’s not broken.’ David said. He looked down and realised he was still holding Patrick’s hand. They both looked at the same time at their hands. He suddenly felt slightly warm. ‘Um, let me put some cream on the cut and cover it. Don’t want you getting it infected if you're insisting on going full Handyman on us.’ 

Patrick chuckled as David opened the bathroom cabinet for the first aid kit. He knelt down to rummage through it. 

‘Well clearly my hammer skills need work.’ 

‘Replace that with ‘drilling’ and you’ve got some dialogue from one or two dirty movies.’ David quipped. ‘Actually handyman ‘injures’ his hand, ends up in the dark back room being wiped down sounds like many a dirty movie.’ he stopped. Staring into the First Aid Kit realising what he’d said. ‘Um I all you need is several cosmetically enhanced blondes and you’ve got a story Heff would be proud of.’ he added quickly. 

‘Don’t think I’ve seen that movie, David.’ Patrick said. David turned and looked at him all wide-eyed and embarrassed. 

‘I mean me either. I mean I don’t make a habit of watching things like that. Not that you shouldn’t watch dirty movies, I mean not you, just people and…’ he took a breath, tried to reel it in, Patrick was giving him that infuriating grin. ‘You know my Mom took Alexis and me to a party at the Playboy mansion once.’

Patrick laughed, and hard. Of course, she had. ‘What was that a Sweet Sixteen party?’

‘Oh no she was eight.’ David said seriously. And gestured for Patrick’s hand. The mood shifted again as he concentrated. Patrick’s hands were soft, he noticed, and probably a sign he didn’t do a lot of manual labour and probably shouldn’t be fixing their furnishings. He used his thumb to rub the antiseptic in. And became conscious again of the fact he was holding Patrick’s hand in his. Don’t think about it, he told himself. 

Patrick tried to concentrate on breathing. Which was suddenly quite difficult. The throbbing in his hand was subsiding but- and he hated to be so cliche about it- his heart had started pounding instead. They’d been working in close proximity for weeks. And every time they accidentally brushed past each other or stood a bit too close, he’d forced himself to push away whatever he was feeling. He’s your business partner. He reminded himself almost daily. And his business partner was now holding his hand. He watched fascinated as David’s larger, long-fingered hand-worked cream into his then put a band-aid over it. So fascinated he didn’t hear David the first time when he said ‘Done’

‘I said done’ David frowned ‘Or did the shelf hit your head as well? Because concussion is a bit out of my First Aid skills?’ 

‘Sorry.’ Patrick said snapping back to reality. ‘Um, thanks.’

‘Pleasure.’ David said then shook his head. ‘Um you know try not to drop any more furnishings on yourself.’

‘Noted.’ Patrick said. 

David sat looking at him a second too long before shaking his head. ‘Think we can get to the opening without anyone else crying then? He said with a grin. 

‘I mean it’s two days away we might.’

‘Back to work then.’

‘Back to work.’ 

All-day every time Patrick looked at the band-aid on his hand he had to shake himself back to reality again. It was almost worth dropping a shelf on yourself and crying about it. Except he told himself, you can’t do anything about it.


	3. David

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David cries at a movie on their second date. Patrick doesn't know what to do with himself.

The second time David cried was on their second Date. Patrick being sweet and attentive had realised David loved romcoms. And had found the night the Elmdale cinema was showing reruns of classics. And so he’d taken David as a surprise. Patrick had been the perfect gentleman he was. And was clearly trying to make up for the confusion of their first date by making it absolutely clear what this was. He picked David up at the Motel, coming to the door. Not in his little jacket this time, assuming that it wasn’t a comfortable look for a movie. He drove them to Elmdale, bought tickets and snacks. And sat through what- David was guessing- wouldn’t be his first choice of movie. Which was wonderful and sweet. But one minor issue in David’s eyes was his inability to watch a romcom without crying. 

Patrick was determined to make a perfect second date. Things hadn’t exactly got off to the smoothest start, between his nerves on their first date, and as David had since confessed, his confusion. Followed by the next day and the further confusion. But now, with everything in the open, and apparently dead guys removed from the Motel, they were starting over at the weekend. With an old fashioned movie date. He was an old fashioned guy when it came to dating. At least when the other person knew it was a date. So he picked David up. Drove them to a movie he thought he’d love. And it was all going well. Except he hadn’t known what to do with himself the whole time. He was a confident person in most areas of life. But dating had never been one of them. For reasons now obvious in the past he’d always felt a bit awkward. And now, despite everything feeling right at last, he was feeling awkward because of that. He’d got so caught up in figuring out his feelings about David he hadn’t actually thought ahead about how you dated a guy. Not that David was like any guy he’d ever met either. 

The movie was almost over. Granted Patrick had never seen Sleepless in Seattle but he guessed from the dash towards the Empire State building that this was the end. And he heard a slight sniffle to his left. He didn’t know what to do. David was clearly crying at the movie- at least he hoped so. But should he do something? They hadn’t quite reached any kind of easy physicality yet. Beyond a kiss on the cheek hello, a hug goodbye and, yes he’d counted, seven what he’d determine ‘proper kisses’ this past week, he wasn’t quite sure where this stood. In theory his brain told him dating a guy was the same. He could do whatever he’d do on a date with a girl- take David’s hand, put an arm around him, whatever. In practice he’d sat there with his hands folded in his lap like he was being chaperoned. He’d only moved when David had offered him popcorn or candy. They’d exchanged a couple of smiles in the dark. But David hadn’t moved either. Of course Patrick reasoned his hands were full of snacks for most of the movie. But now he was sitting quietly crying, and Patrick didn’t know what to do. 

David thought he’d hidden it well enough, until he accidentally sniffed. He was good at quietly crying in the dark. He’d had enough practice at movies and in life. But his little sniff, just as Meg Ryan left her former fiance, for the man she was destined to be with. And he felt Patrick’s eyes on him briefly. So he stared straight ahead. He didn’t even wipe his face. It hadn’t been an awkward date, but he could tell Patrick didn’t know what to do with himself. At least he hoped it was that, and not a sudden going off the idea in general. Which obviously was where his brain wanted to go. But Patrick had seemed keen enough until now. But once they got to the movie theatre he’d sat quietly and stiffly to David’s right the whole movie. David half wanted to reach over and put an arm around him, show him it was ok. Or take his hand. Even sneak a kiss or two. But he was unsure where Patrick’s lines were on public affection. And so early as well. Yes he’d kissed him in the Store. But only once when there was any chance of public view. Everything else had been after hours. Or in the car. Or outside the Motel when Patrick had dropped him home. It had all been going ok he thought. But now they were on a movie date and Patrick had sat, with his hands in his lap like he was deliberately trying to make sure nobody got the wrong idea. And now David was crying at the movie. And likely embarrassing him so much that he wouldn’t want another date. But it was too late now. 

Apparently being distracted didn’t stop what David now assumed was a conditioned response to Tom and Meg reuniting at the top of the Empire State building. And given that he’d already been busted for crying, and given Patrick was either ignoring him or didn’t know what to do with him, he might as well lean into it for the last five minutes. So he sat, having his usual quiet cry to the end of the movie, figuring if this was a deal breaker for Patrick- crying at soppy movies, crying in public for no reason, well at least he’d enjoyed Tom and Meg first. 

The Elmdale cinema didn’t apparently give much thought to people’s emotional state, as they put the lights up the minute the credits rolled. David instinctively wiped at his face. To little avail as it was apparent from the fact he then needed to sniff again that he couldn’t hide the fact he was crying. He felt a tap at his elbow. Patrick held out a handkerchief. An actual real life handkerchief. David blinked at him. And he gestured with it. David quietly took it and wiped at his eyes and blew his nose. 

‘Sorry.’ he said. 

Patrick frowned at him. ‘What for?’ he asked. 

‘This.’ he gestured handkerchief still in hand. ‘I mean you probably don’t want to be seen with this. And look at you with your honest-to-God handkerchief being all gentlemanly, and by the way there’s another Tom and Meg film you should see for that, except you won’t want to because I’ve obviously totally embarrassed you now, and you won’t want to be seen with me now after this.’ 

Patrick blinked again. David was off at 100 miles an hour and he’d barely got his head out of the Empire State building. ‘Whoa whoa. Who is embarrassed?’ Patrick asked. 

‘YOU!’ David exclaimed a little too loudly. Then looked sheepish. ‘Sorry.’ he muttered. ‘Come on we can go.’ he gathered his things and was scrambling to hold onto the handkerchief, and the remains of the popcorn and the candy and his jacket...and he dropped them all. ‘FUCK!’ he exclaimed, dropping to his knees to pick it up. Now he was crying again, but for real. Because he was an idiot who embarassed his date by crying at a stupid movie for which he’d be mocked in stories Patrick would tell for years to come no doubt. And now clumsy oaf that he was he’d made a mess, when he was just trying to get out and get them out of this embarrassment. And he was now crying all over everything instead of picking things up. He felt a hand on his arm. 

‘David just stop!’ Patrick was next to him on the floor. David stilled long enough to take in his confused expression before dropping his gaze embarrassed again. ‘Ok first things first.’ Patrick said gently, and David sensed him shifting before he felt something soft on his cheek. He lifted his gaze and realised Patrick had picked up the handkerchief he’d dropped and was wiping his eyes with it. He rested a hand on his cheek briefly. ‘Better.’ he said with a smile. 

Patrick had hoped it would help but instead it set David off again. His face crumpled and he raised his eyes to the ceiling in what Patrick already recognised as his tactic to try and deflect or stop whatever emotion he was having. And he scrambled to his feet, taking whatever he could carry and hurried out of the cinema. 

David leaned against the wall outside catching his breath for the few seconds it took Patrick to catch up. He sighed. Patrick leaned sideways against the wall next to him. Waiting patiently. 

‘Ok I’d say I’ll make my own way home but it’s really fucking far, so if you can give me a lift home we’ll just never mention any of this again.’ David said to the ground. 

Patrick couldn’t help but smile fondly, even though David couldn’t see. It all fell into place a bit suddenly. He stepped in front of David and rested his hands on his hips lightly. ‘I can’t do that.’ he said and before David could open his mouth he added ‘Because I always take a date for dinner after a movie and I’ve got a reservation in ten minutes.’ 

David looked up ‘But…’ 

‘But what David?!’ Patrick couldn’t help but smile a bit. ‘But you cried at a movie and you think that’s put me off?’

David shifted his eyes but didn’t answer. But clearly a yes. 

‘David I've been known to cry at sports. Actual sports matches bring me to tears.’ He smiled ‘And you may judge that.’ 

‘Well good because we’re going to have to judge that a little bit.’ David muttered. Looking up at him a bit. Maybe this wasn’t as disastrous as he thought. 

Patrick smiled. Glad to see he was somewhat back to normal. ‘David.’ he said seriously, David lifted his gaze again. ‘You’re very cute when you cry.’ 

He sniffed, still it seemed a bit snotty from the crying ‘Well I know that’s a lie.’ Patrick put a hand to his cheek and wiped at the tears with his thumb. And David nearly melted. More so when Patrick closed the gap between them and kissed him gently. 

‘Can I take a guess here?’ Patrick asked pulling back ‘Someone, or maybe several someones, have made fun of you for crying at movies before, and you thought I would be one of those people?’

David didn’t answer, he looked down again. After a second he looked up, and rested his hands on Patrick’s shoulders ‘Well can I take a guess then?’ he said and not waiting for a response ‘That you have never been on a ‘real’ date with a guy and you didn’t know what to do with yourself?’ 

Patrick smiled feeling a slight flush of embarrassment that his inexperience was so obvious. ‘I think that’s a fair assessment.’ he tilted his head up at David. 

David nodded. ‘Ok well first the answer is whatever you want- obviously with your date’s consent and within the law.’ he smiled a bit delvisily the usual David coming back again ‘And I assure you that making out in a movie theatre is always ok.’ he dipped his head a bit. 

Patrick grinned. ‘Good to know.’ he said, shifting a bit closer, and closing the gap between them to kiss him softly. 

‘Also.’ David said, resting his hands on Patrick’s shoulders, ‘I think taking his- or her obviously- arm and leading him- them- to the restaurant would obviously be ok.’ 

Patrick nodded and smiled, stepping back and offering an arm to David, which he took. 

‘And then ordering desert is a big bonus.’ David continued ‘And not making them share.’ 

‘Is this general dating advice or just for you?’ Patrick smiled, as he directed them down the street. 

‘Oh this is just for me.’ David replied. 

‘Well that’s good, because I don’t really plan on dating anyone else right now.’ Patrick glanced sideways, wondering if he’d crossed a line ‘I um- I don’t know how, er, other people do it but I’ve always been a one-person-at-a-time kind of person.’ He felt David lean into him a bit, and give a slight squeeze. 

David didn’t know how to answer that. He wasn’t used to knowing where he stood with things. So he just let it lie. They walked for a bit in silence until Patrick suddenly stopped. David nearly tripped, and he steadied them and then stood in front of him like he had something to say. 

‘David.’ Patrick began looking up at him, ‘Just so you know. There are many things I will make fun of you for- many things I already do obviously. Many things that are in fact worthy of making fun of you for.’ David raised an eyebrow in a ‘you’d better be going somewhere with this’ manner, and Patrick ploughed on. ‘But I want you to know, that something- anything-but something you clearly love and having an emotional response to something will never be one of them.’ he nodded, having said his piece. 

David swallowed. ‘Well that might make me cry more than Tom and Meg.’ he said and Patrick grinned. ‘Does this mean I can’t make fun of sports?’

‘No, you can still make fun of sports.’ Patrick grinned. 

‘Ok good.’ he smiled ‘But I’ll let a few in the net. Is that a sports metaphor?’

‘Not even close.’ 

‘Well, I tried.’ David shrugged and took Patrick’s arm again, letting him lead them to the restaurant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second Tom and Meg film David talks about is 'You've Got Mail' hot contender for best romcom ever.


	4. Patrick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patrick gets very drunk at a baseball game. And realises how happy he is.

The second time Patrick cried in front of David was because of sports. Sports and fifteen shots. And two beers. Maybe three. 

They’d won a baseball game over in Elmdale. David hadn’t come to watch mostly because someone had to be in the Store but also spending much of the day on a bus with an excitable team of adults playing amateur baseball was not his idea of a good time. By the time evening rolled around he’d resigned himself to being a baseball widower for the evening and that was fine. At around 7 pm he got a text. 

‘Stopped at the bar on the way back!! Come and join us!!!’

The number of exclamation marks was disconcerting. As was the idea of joining now presumably drunk adult amateur baseball players. 

‘I’m washing my hair. X’ he replied. Then followed it with ‘Have fun, don’t drink too much x’

He feared it was possibly too late for that. Patrick wasn’t that much of a drinker. He was a ‘couple of beers at the weekend and wine with dinner guy’. But given some of the stories- mainly linked to College or Sports or both that David had heard he was clearly easily led as well. Not that David was one to talk on that front. He didn’t even really need someone else to lead him as the Polar Bear Shots and Karaoke incident had proven. 

David’s theory was proven right earlier than expected with a very drunken Patrick calling him at 9pm. Though given they’d been drinking since the game ended at 5pm that wasn't all that surprising. 

‘Ok you stay there I will come and get you.’ David rolled his eyes. 

‘I’m fine!’ Patrick protested. There was some rustling and an unfamiliar voice came on the line. 

‘Hey are you David?’ the voice said. 

‘Yes?’ he said. 

‘Hey, I’m Mark. I’ll sit with him outside until you get there. My wife is on her way to get me anyway.’ 

‘Thank you Mark.’ David said, somewhere in him a self-preservation instinct glad that sexy-baseball playing Mark mentioned a wife. 

When he got there Sexy Baseball Playing Mark was actually distinctly middle-aged Mark. Whose wife was there already and had handed out bottled water. 

‘David?’ she asked. He nodded. ‘This one is yours then.’ she nodded at Patrick. 

‘DAVID!’ he exclaimed trying to get up, steadied by Mark ‘There he is! Didn’t I tell you he was handsome!’

Mark’s wife grinned. ‘You did mention it.’ 

‘Sorry.’ David mouthed, then turning to Patrick ‘Ok then come on. Home.’ he offered an arm and Patrick stumbled into his arms. ‘Ok then.’ David said, ‘Standing is overrated.’

‘I’m fine! You should have a drink with us!’ he stumbled on the uneven parking lot and shouted ‘BYE!’ to Mark and his wife as David steered them. 

‘Then who would drive us home?’ He steered Patrick towards the car. 

‘Your car is BIG David.’ Patrick mused ‘And OLD.’ 

David rolled his eyes. Apparently really really drunk Patrick was chatty. And spectacularly uncoordinated- he managed to nearly slap David in the face as he opened the door. Still, at least he was inside, sitting down and very soon being driven towards home. 

The drive home was filled with a detailed account of the game interspersed with shouted directions home. Despite it being a straight road most of the way. David nodded along and said ‘I know’ several times. Glad that he wasn’t being asked any questions about baseball in the process. 

‘Drink your water.’ he said with a smile as Patrick tried to re-enact a catch or a pitch or something in the confines of the car. He was annoying, but also slightly adorable. He also spilt the water in his lap. 

Some time and several baseball monologues later, Patrick had managed to get out of his clothes in a fairly undignified manner and into his sweat pants and hoodie and flopped on his bed. David was trying to convince him an early night and sleeping it off was a good plan. With little success. 

‘You’re really nice to me David.’ Patrick said his face suddenly became serious. 

‘Well don’t get used to it.’

‘You are a nice person David.’ Patrick laughed. ‘You just don’t want people to know you’re a nice person.’ 

David sat on the bed next to him. ‘I thought I was a good person, not a nice person.’ 

Patrick thought for a second. He paused and mulled it over. ‘David.’ he said ‘Let me tell you a secret.’

David rolled his eyes. ‘What?’ he asked. Patrick beckoned him closer. He rolled his eyes again and leaned in. 

‘I’ve always thought you were a nice person. The nicest.’ he wrapped his arms around David’s waist and held on ‘Nice David.’

David laughed again. But also couldn’t help but be charmed by this. They both knew their teasing was just part of their affection for each other. But it made moments like this- even drunken ones- more special. He kissed the top of Patrick’s head. 

‘And you my love are a drunk person.’ he smiled ‘And a soon to be hungover one. So drink that water and take those pills and we’ll get some sleep.’ 

Patrick unwound himself. ‘You’re staying?’ David nodded, ‘Well we could…’ Patrick made an attempt to grab at David’s sweater and entirely missed. 

David gently pushed him off. ‘I have very few rules in that department as you well know-’ Patrick went to interject but David halted him by holding a hand up, and quickly using it to steady Patrick before he fully face-planted on the bed, ‘But one of us sober and one of us so drunk they can’t sit up is a rule.’ Patrick glowered at him but flopped back on the bed. ‘Besides.’ David continued ‘You’d probably fall asleep halfway through and I am not wasting my best moves on that. You can wait until tomorrow.’

‘Is that a promise?’ Patrick said with a devilish glint in his eye. 

‘Stay sober enough to sit up straight tomorrow and I will more than make up for tonight.’ David said with a smirk. 

Patrick fixed him with another serious look. ‘You’re very good at it.’ he said, and with the seriousness of assessing the accounts in the Store, ‘The Sex.’ he nodded solemnly. 

David laughed. And kissed him when he looked slightly hurt. ‘Well I’m glad you think so.’ he said and in a lower tone whispered ‘I’ve had lots of practice.’ 

Patrick nodded again ‘It shows.’ he said seriously. And flopped down on the bed again. Doing it that quickly was a mistake and the world began to spin. He groaned. He was going to regret this tomorrow, he was now sober enough to know how drunk he was and how much he might regret this choice in the morning. 

‘How about some food?’ David asked. This seemed like it might be a good idea. Doubtful the post-game hotdogs had done much against the 15 shots. Patrick nodded looking sleepy now. David nodded and went over to the kitchen. Patrick had only been here a couple of weeks, and there still wasn’t much furniture, but there was an obstacle course of boxes to get past. There was however no food in the fridge. Saturday was Patrick’s grocery shopping day and he’d been busy hitting balls and downing shots. There was however bread and peanut butter. Which would have to do. And toast was about his level cooking-wise. So he put together some peanut butter on toast along with tea for his drunk boyfriend. And grabbed a half-finished bag of chips and some cookies for good measure- and, he considered, a reward for him. 

Patrick pulled himself up as David approached and took the offered plate. David had made him a snack. It was so kind and lovely. And David was kind and lovely. And everything was lovely. And suddenly he was crying. Actual tears falling from his eyes into his peanut butter and toast. David hadn’t noticed yet. Maybe he could get away with it. He didn’t really know why he was crying. But he was. Because suddenly everything felt like a lot. He sniffed. And froze. David would have heard. 

David glanced over when Patrick sniffed, he’d been scrolling through his phone idly eating a cookie. He looked up and Patrick was hunched over his plate but not moving. Until he sniffed again. And wiped his eyes. 

‘Are you...ok?’ David was confused. Somewhere between fifteen shots and peanut butter and Patrick was...upset? He looked up and sure enough his cheeks were damp with tears and his eyes were red. ‘What’s wrong?’ David asked, panic rising. Patrick hadn’t ever cried in front of him. Aside from trapping his hand in a door, and occasionally welling up at films and claiming he wasn’t. David’s mind went into overdrive in the moments it took Patrick to answer- he was hurt, something terrible had happened he didn’t know about, and of course, he’s breaking up with me. 

Patrick blinked slowly at him, his drunk brain struggling to articulate anything. ‘I’m just…’ he looked around at his apartment, his snack, his boyfriend who was looking confused and concerned ‘I’m just really happy.’ he sniffed. There was no other way to say it, he was in that moment totally and utterly overwhelmed by being happy. And he wasn’t sure he’d ever felt that. And he was crying about it. 

David couldn’t help it. He laughed. ‘Fuck. Um sorry.’ he said ‘I thought something was wrong.’ He looked down ‘I thought you were going to...nevermind.’

Patrick got it immediately. Just from the look on David’s face. ‘No.’ he said. ‘No David God no.’ he reached a hand over to David’s head and clumsily ruffled his hair. ‘No.’

David nodded. Apparently drunk Patrick was also emotional Patrick. He shook his head and smiled, feeling tears welling in his own eyes. ‘You’re happy?’ he asked gently, looking up again. 

Patrick could feel himself sobering up suddenly. He put his plate to one side and sat up properly, pulling his knees towards him. He swallowed, still crying he rested his head on his arms and looked at David. ‘I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life.’ he said with a little smile. 

David was giving him one of those ridiculous grins of his. Then he looked down at the bed, tracing the pattern of the checked design with his finger. ‘Well, if we’re over-sharing.’ he said not looking up. ‘Me too.’ he finally looked up from under his eyebrows and Patrick nodded. He was still crying, aware he was struggling to stop now. Sniffling a lot as he wiped at his eyes not that it did much good. David jerked his head and Patrick understood. He moved his plate onto the bedside table and scooted down to lie parallel to David. Who pulled him in by his hip. Patrick reached for David’s waist and closed his eyes for a second. Partly because the movement had caused the world to spin just a bit too much. But partly because it was all a bit much. He felt David’s hand cool on his cheek and opened his eyes. David was still smiling at him. He leaned over and kissed him before pulling him a bit closer. 

‘I’m sorry David I know I’m ...drunk and stupid.’ he mumbled. 

‘You are very drunk I will give you that.’ David said shifting so he was wrapped around Patrick but could also speak to him. ‘But maybe...we all need a good drunken cry now and then?’

Patrick laughed. ‘Maybe.’ he smiled again, it was all a bit new to him. All this emotion looking for an escape. ‘I just looked at my messy new apartment and you made me a snack because I got drunk at a baseball game- a baseball game we won!-oops-sorry.’ he did a mini fist pump, and David laughed- and ducked as he nearly got slapped in the face again. ‘And this town and the life I have here and I just felt…’ a fresh batch of tears ran down his face. ‘I don’t know it’s so silly. You probably think I’m crazy, or being ridiculous but I-I didn’t know I could feel this way. Feel this...happy.’ it felt raw to say it, that was the only way he could describe it. He didn’t know he’d felt it until right now. He looked David in the eye and hoped he understood. He nodded slightly. 

‘I love you.’ David said, resting his forehead on Patrick’s. ‘And I understand.’ he pulled back and gave a little smile. It was not the time for them both to dissolve into a mess of tears about how far they’d come or how lucky they both felt. But David wanted Patrick to understand the next bit. ‘And, I don’t know whether in the past you’ve not been able to...express how you feel with ...people.’ he gave a knowing glance at his boyfriend, ‘Or not be yourself fully.’ he squeezed him. ‘But what you’re feeling it’s valid, and it’s ok.’ he leaned over and kissed him again ‘Even if you are very very drunk.’ 

Patrick chucked into him. He was drunk. Very drunk, for which he was going to pay tomorrow. Which David was going to make him pay for tomorrow no doubt. But David was, as ever intuitively right. He’d never felt able to feel quite as free as this before. 

‘Thank you David.’ he managed, and let his boyfriend sweep him up into a hug. Within minutes the drink caught up with him and he passed out on David’s chest, safe and warm. 

David smiled down at his sleeping, soon to be a very hungover boyfriend. He somehow sensed this wasn’t normal for Patrick. This letting go of emotion so openly. And it felt like a turning point he’d let him see that- however, helped by many shots. He pulled him a little closer as if hoping it would help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drunk Patrick is just the best.


	5. David

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David makes the mistake of looking his family up on the internet. Despite knowing it only leads to bad things.

The third time David cried in front of Patrick he was a mess. He technically cried a few times in between- mostly at films. He’d almost-cried a few times when things had gone wrong- and gone right. But so far he’d avoided full crying. Or a full meltdown. Patrick might have thought he’d seen David in full meltdown but he had also managed to hide the worst of that side of him too. 

He knew he shouldn’t look at certain people’s social media. But there were times when curiosity, or more accurately, self destructive tendencies, took hold. And they’d been taking hold all week if he was honest. For no good reason. Everything was good. Except in his mind which was telling him otherwise. Added to that everyone was driving him slowly insane. Which if he had been rational and stepped back was a symptom of what was already going on in his head, rather than the cause of it. But rational was at this point, overrated. 

And so, finding himself alone in the Store and it being a quiet afternoon, he ended up places he shouldn’t be. Again rationally his brain had been catastrophizing before he opened his phone. The Store was quiet. It was a disaster, they were going to lose the business. In reality it was a Monday at the end of the month and it was pouring with rain. So a quiet day was normal. And if Patrick was here he’d tell him that Alexis’ stupid Singles Week and all it entailed would bring in business next week. That they could afford a couple of quiet days this week. But, in David’s mind it was going horribly wrong. And then he started looking at his phone. 

He started predictably with Sebastian Raine. That was a go-to level of not-quite-self-destructive. Their last encounter had left him feeling enough power to feel mostly judgemental rather than envious of whatever he was up to. And given his career seemed to be taking a back seat to posing with various models right now there was a lot to feel smug about. Still the bubbling anger at his very existence remained. That should have been enough. He peeked at a couple of other exes too. Not the kind that he cared much about, just the kind he liked to see what they were up to. One seemed to be in Dubai, on tour with a musical- she was a dancer- and while yes she seemed to be hanging out with some Oil Tycoon there was little to cause great upset there. David could feel smug that in fact he had moved beyond both the superficial physical attraction - there was unfortunately no doubting she’d grown more attractive, and the shallow connections to cool parties she had back in New York. He felt momentarily smug; he had clearly grown as a person. Ex number three quickly brought him crashing down to earth though. Ex number three was posing with his smug children and even smugger dog. And his husband. Who David happened to know had cheated on him weeks before the wedding, but People Magazine and the perfect photo-shoot wouldn’t let that slip obviously. He scrolled through their perfect house and perfect life for a minute. Taking in the Beverly Hills mansion and their holiday home in France. Again rationally, you don’t need that. 

Just as he was thinking it, a text flashed up from Patrick. 

‘Will bring back coffee for inventory later (and a treat if you’re good) x’ 

David smiled. Good and sweet Patrick. Actually that was all he needed. Even with the threat of a long evening of Inventory ahead of him. Patrick and coffee and their Store. It was fine. More than fine. He flicked back to his own photos, and indulgently let himself flick through his album of pictures of the two of them, or of just Patrick. He irritated his boyfriend by constantly snapping pictures of him, on dates, at work, at home. He hadn’t even shared any of them online, they’d kept everything about their relationship in their own bubble until now. He just liked having them, to remind him. Especially in moments like this. He grinned at them and put his phone away for a bit. 

And then he made the error of googling himself. He rarely let himself do it. And again his rational brain told him it was a sign of a bigger issue, not that moment. But at the moment it was enough to set him off. Most of the articles were old. From the time they moved there. He’d spent days in the Motel, in the dark reading them all. Scouring them for any truth, and allowing them to tell him they were true as well. Lots of them focused on him and Alexis. Easier because there were more pictures of them. And pictures of them doing inappropriate things. Especially Alexis. Luckily it really didn’t bother her nearly as much. Most of it not at all. He wished he could be like her. Equally there were a few pseudo-legit articles about his Dad. How he’d cheated people out of money. How he was a terrible boss. Those stung too. But again his Dad was so oblivious to such things it didn’t really matter. Even if he read them he’d dismiss them. Johnny Rose was old school and as long as he believed people knew he was a good person in real life, he didn’t care what the internet said. David envied that. He clicked on a few more. Knowing what he was subconsciously looking for. It didn’t take long. Since he last looked there were not one, but three new articles on his Mom. All of them terrible. All of them lies. 

It had always been the one thing he secretly couldn’t take. The things about him hurt, and while he took every criticism to heart. Every comment on his outfits, his looks, his career. But when tabloids came for his Mom it was even worse. Back in the old days she’d buy all the magazines and read everything they wrote, and send her into a spiral. As things went online he and Alexis got better at protecting her, unless someone sent it to her. But mostly they hid it all. And there had been times there was a lot. Talk of on-set meltdowns. Diva demands when she got written out of her show. Horrible articles that mocked the work she took. And the worst for David the ones that came for her as a Mom. No, Moira Rose hadn’t won any Mother-of-the-Year awards when they were kids, but that didn't mean she was a bad person. The ones that combined things about her being a drug addict or a drunk with bad parenting got to him most. 

The third one was worse. It had pictures of the town. Of the Motel. He wasn’t stupid he knew people knew where they were by now. Hell the town was technically in his name. It wasn’t rocket science. He was crying as he started reading it. All the horrible things you could imagine someone saying about the worst things to happen to your family written down. It mocked his business. They’d found out Alexis went back to school. They talked about his Dad being a ‘Motel worker’ and went after his Mom in such a cruel way he could barely get through it. It was like when a soon-to-be-ex tells you all the worst things you think about yourself. And you believe it. One final comment about how maybe if David Rose had made something of himself they wouldn’t be in this mess finished him. 

Because he did believe it. Despite all the good, it only took that to take him quickly back there. And because it was a thought he’d had often. If he’d been better, if he’d made something of himself sooner, if he hadn’t messed up so often before they came here. Would things be different? He couldn’t have made it all right. But maybe he could have done more. If he hadn’t been so ‘David.’ 

But he quickly shifted to ‘what if they hadn't come here’ and ‘what if there was no Patrick?’ and even more quickly to ‘what if he sees this and believes it?’ and even worse ‘what if they find out about him?’ Not that David obviously cared particularly about his relationships being talked about. It had happened often enough. But that was exactly why. He hadn’t cared about those people in the way he cared about Patrick. Who probably wouldn’t care anyway. But David cared, about not having another person he - he barely dared to think the thought and settled again on cared about- talked about in that way. 

He doubted himself often enough. And there it was written down. And still after all this time he was powerless to do anything about it. And so he sat there and cried. And then slipped quickly into a spiral of panic about everything going wrong. And cried, and panicked. Over and over. 

Patrick looked around the Store. No sign of David. But the sign was turned to open and the door unlocked. Which was odd as it was already 5.15. He turned the sign and clicked the lock, they could put the vegetables away in a bit. He was probably in the Storeroom. He put the coffees and the bag with two muffins in on the counter. 

‘David?’ no answer. ‘David?’ 

Patrick walked around the counter. David was on the floor, knees drawn up to his chest and he was crying. Not the tears welling up kind of crying he’d seen a few times, where David wiped away the tears quickly and tried to pretend he wasn’t. Or his ‘sniffling at a romcom’ crying that Patrick was more than familiar with by now. This was a sniffling sobbing crying. 

‘Hey, what happened?’ Patrick knelt down next to him and immediately had an arm around him. David dipped his head for a second, then turned and wrapped himself around Patrick’s neck.

‘Nothing.’ he sniffed. 

Patrick held onto him. ‘Doesn’t look like nothing.’ he said kindly. And he felt David sniffle into him. ‘Alright I got you.’ he said, rubbing his hand up and down David’s back. He didn’t seem hurt or unwell, the Store didn’t look like it had been (really) robbed, so he could wait this out. David held onto him and quietly sniffled into him for a moment or two, tightening his grip a bit and leaning in. 

David had meant to pull himself together before Patrick got back, he really had. But he hadn’t managed to pull himself off the floor. And now here he was crying on his ohis poor boyfriend’s neck. And now his boyfriend was going to think he was stupid. He pulled back, calming himself a bit. 

‘Sorry.’ he muttered ‘I’ll go and close up.’ he went to move and Patrick pulled him back by his arm, holding him still. 

‘Sit.’ he said ‘What’s going on.’

‘It’s stupid.’ David muttered. ‘I’m not going to bother you with my stupid stuff. 

‘David, I’ve just come back to find my boyfriend crying on the floor of our Store in the middle of the day, more importantly.’ he said softening his tone and reaching for David’s cheek ‘My boyfriend is crying I’d like to know why.’ 

‘So you can think I’m stupid.’ David half huffed half sniffed. 

‘David!’ Patrick let mild exasperation creep in ‘Can we agree that for the duration of this conversation nobody thinks you’re stupid?’ 

It wasn’t Patrick’s fault. Although exasperated he hadn’t meant it unkindly. But it was enough to push him fully over the edge. Suddenly from nowhere he couldn’t breathe. A familiar tightness took over his chest and predictably he panicked. Making it worse. He was crying at the same time which he could only imagine was making the whole image even better. And thinking about it was making it worse. Through the haze he could hear Patrick’s voice. And sense his hands on his knees. He was kneeling in front of him talking but David couldn’t quite hear the words. But he was keeping on. David felt him take his hands and squeeze them gently. 

‘David, you’re ok yeah? We’re in the Store and everything is fine. Ok? I’m just going to keep talking until you can hear me properly ok. You’re fine and nobody is going to hurt you, it’s totally safe here. This is our Store what could possibly go badly here right? Other than maybe a body milk explosion, messy but not the end of the world. Right. Ok so I’m going to start describing things in our Store, which again is totally safe and fine, and you’re totally safe and fine.’

David zoned out a bit again, but Patrick swam back into focus while he was giving a detailed description of the lip balms. 

‘Hey David can you hear me ok?’ Patrick frowned sensing he was refocused. ‘Ok good.’ he said shifting back on his knees a bit, lightening his grip but not letting go. ‘You ok for a second if I stop talking.’

David nodded. And swallowed. His throat was really dry, he made a face. 

‘Two seconds.’ Patrick said and scrambled into the back and returned with a bottle of water. David took it and drank.

‘Thanks.’ he croaked. ‘How did you know, that talking would…’

Patrick shrugged ‘My cousin Marty? He’s had panic attacks since he was about 15? He’s five years younger than me so learned it helps and.’ he shrugged. Then realised David was crying again ‘Oh hey no, what’s up?’

David sniffed. He couldn’t explain just how perfect it was, how incomprehensible it was that Patrick was so casual about it- in the best way. He hadn’t freaked out or dismissed him, he’d sat there and held his hands and talked to him. Nobody had ever done that. They’d left him. On apartment floors or on park benches or alone in his room. Patrick had knelt on the cold floor of their Store with him. It was too much, he was too much. And it made the creeping thought that David kept having come back. The one he couldn’t quite let him think out loud even in his own head. In case he scared it away or broke it or something. He couldn’t speak yet. So he leaned over and kissed him, tears and all. 

Patrick kissed him back. Sensing he needed some reassurance for a second. He’d alluded to panic attacks, anxiety attacks or whichever before. In that dismissive self deprecating way he did when he was trying to hide the real thing underneath. So Patrick had been prepared for it. He hadn’t been shocked, and even if he had, it wouldn't have mattered. 

David pulled back and sniffed before managing ‘Thank you’

Patrick frowned a bit ‘What for?’ he asked. Then it dawned on him. Nobody had probably just dealt with it before, they’d probably just rolled their eyes at him or dismissed him. ‘Come here.’ he said softly pulling David back towards him and into a hug. David sort of flopped down heavily on him and he let out a soft ‘Oof’ before kissing his head reassuringly. ‘David, you know I just want to look after you right?’

David didn’t answer. He buried his head in Patrick’s shirt a bit deeper and cried into it. He couldn’t stop now he’d started, now Patrick was being so nice. And his boyfriend let him. Winding an arm around him and letting him cry it out for a bit. 

Patrick wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and let him cry. He knew David was sensitive, he knew how damaged he was in many ways. But he hadn’t let him see it like this yet. He hadn’t let the walls down like this before. And it felt big. And important. And something he should try and make sure he handled the right way. So for now he held onto him and let him cry it out. 

David felt everything slowing down a bit, so he hauled himself upright again. After all this his boyfriend deserved an explanation. Patrick gave him a quick ‘you ok?’ look and he nodded. He reached over for his phone which was still on the floor where he’d thrown it down. 

‘I started looking at things...exes mainly.’ he rolled his eyes. ‘But then, well sometimes I check if anyone has written anything about my family...it used to happen a lot more. Anyway there were a couple and then this one.’ he handed it to Patrick, who took his phone and read. 

It was horrible. There was no other word for it. He knew people wrote terrible articles about people. He’d never followed that kind of gossip so he was largely oblivious. But he’d also never had reason to think about the people behind it. He reached over and squeezed David’s arm while he read. He knew the things in it weren’t true-were so far from true, but he was hurt reading them. Reading about people he cared about that way.

‘David this is terrible. Can’t you have them take it down?’

He shook his head. 

‘But it’s not true! None of it!’ 

David shrugged at Patrick’s sweet innocence about it and smiled ‘It’s not like anyone cares about true.’ he sighed, feeling slightly more himself now. ‘Look we’re used to it. We just make sure we hide it from my Mom. I cry about it. We move on.’ he looked down and felt Patrick’s arm on him ‘it’s just been a while since I had to read anything like that….’ he glanced over and Patrick frowned and David had to confess what had crept into his mind while he sat on the floor losing his mind once again about it. ‘And I worried you might have read things like that about us...me. Or that you might one day and.’ he shrugged. 

‘David you know I don’t care about that stuff.’ Patrick squeezed his arm ‘You know I don’t know who any of the celebrities you talk about are, never mind know any gossip about them.’

‘You are shockingly ill-informed.’ David said with a little smile, that quickly dropped. Patrick squeezed his arm in question. ‘But then I also realised I never wanted to read an article like that about you.’ he bit his lip and looked down. ‘That I...wanted to protect you from all that stuff.’ 

Patrick stopped and took a breath. David wanted to protect him from what he’d gone through. In that moment, like so many in recent weeks, he felt it, the thing he was trying to hold off saying too soon. But David Rose was upset- at least in part- because he wanted to protect him from all that. And Patrick loved him for it. He loved him. Even if he couldn’t quite say it yet. 

Instead he nodded, and reached a hand around the back of David’s neck. ‘Well I’m pretty tough.’ he said, scooting closer to David and wrapping an arm around him ‘And to be honest I’m pretty boring, so I don’t think they’d find much to say.’

David laughed at that. ‘Then they’d make something up.’

Patrick looked at him with a smile ‘Well then anyone who mattered would know that.’ he leaned over and kissed him ‘And most importantly, we know what’s true.’ 

David gave him a little nod, wiping his eyes. 

‘I brought muffins.’ Patrick said with a smile ‘you know if you’re hungry…’

David rolled his eyes, while wiping them and gave him a lopsided grin. ‘Well I suppose if have to do inventory.’ 

‘Crying is not getting you out of it Mister.’ Patrick grinned and hauled himself to his feet offering a hand and pulling David up after him. He paused for a second holding onto David’s hand for no other reason than he was enjoying the moment. He smiled up at David who smiled back. He was ok Patrick reasoned, a blip of his old life coming back and unsettling him. But what they had now was more important. He squeezed his hand before dropping it. 

‘Muffin. Coffee. Inventory.’ he rubbed a hand over David’s back and leaned into him slightly before handing him his cake. 

‘Bribery will get you everywhere.’ David grinned taking the offered bag. 

‘I know you too well’ Patrick replied with a grin. 

‘You just might.’ David said. He took a moment staring at Patrick. Blinking a little in disbelief that this, and not what he’d been reading was real. Patrick smiled back, a little shyly for some reason, before going into the Storeroom. David smiled again. It was ok, they might be ok.


	6. Patrick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patrick's Grandmother died a year ago, a movie sets off his emotions about that and so much more. (Set shortly before 'Meet the Parents' if taking a few liberties with canon in the wider sense)

The third time Patrick cried in front of David was the most he’d ever cried in front of anyone. And it started after his Mom had cried at him on the phone. Which was far from the first time lately. And he had been expecting it today. He’d waited until he got home to call. Grabbing the quick window between getting home from work and David coming over. They’d chatted a bit, about normal things. And then she’d brought up what day it was. And they had to get through it. She was annoyed at him for not coming home. Upset really. He was upset at himself. But there was nothing much he could do about it now. 

‘I miss you.’ she’d sniffed. 

‘I know Mom, I miss you too. And Dad.’ he added. 

‘I know you’re really busy, and you have a life there, but come and visit soon yeah?’ 

‘Ok Mom.’ he felt a familiar pang of guilt. 

‘Are you doing anything nice this evening?’ she asked. 

Another pang of guilt hit him over the amount of times he’d answered ‘nothing’ to that when actually he was with David. He didn’t always lie about it, just omitted how much time they spent together. He considered answering ‘nothing’ again. But couldn’t quite bring himself to today. ‘Um, David is going to come over.’ he said, always paranoid it would elicit suspicion from his Mom. It never did. 

‘Oh that’s nice dear. It’s good you’ve got company today.’ Patrick made a noise of agreement ‘He’s so good to you, you’re lucky to have found a friend like him. And you never seem to get tired of each other.’ 

‘Yeah Mom he’s great.’ he smiled sadly. Wishing he could just say, no they never did. And it was the best thing to have happened to him. 

‘And you two have done so well with the Store. Nana would have been so proud of you.’

‘Thanks, Mom’ he whispered. 

They hung up and he had time to wipe his eyes and get himself together before David was bounding in the door talking at a hundred miles and hour and mercifully distracting him. Until clearly he hadn’t answered in a while. 

‘Ok, it’s a stupid idea.’ David said, rolling his eyes. 

‘What? Sorry no David I didn’t hear you.’ Patrick said, shaking his head a bit to clear it. 

‘Candle scents are your favourite topic of conversation.’ David smirked, aware he’d been talking a lot. He got up and stood in front of Patrick who was sitting in the armchair, resting his hands on his shoulders. ‘How about, I stop talking about candles, and we watch a movie in bed.’

Patrick smiled up gratefully. ‘Yeah, that sounds good.’ 

David grinned and leaned down and kissed him. ‘You ok? You seem …’

‘Tired.’ Patrick said getting up, holding onto his waist for a second. ‘I’ll make tea.’ 

A while later David was lounging on his bed scrolling through movie options. Patrick had his knees drawn up to his chest balancing his tea on his knees. Half listening to David suggest options. When he heard the title he felt the blood drain from his face. 

‘Ok?’ David asked. 

‘Uh sure whatever’ Patrick all but stuttered. David didn’t notice. Why today of all days had he picked that film? It was fine. He could cope. It was just a film he reminded himself. You can shut your brain off a bit. 

David grinned up at him with that ridiculous lopsided grin and rubbed a hand over his shin- the only bit he could comfortably reach from that angle. Patrick gave him what he hoped was a convincing smile back and then drew his knees up to his chest, holding his tea close. He could feel a tightness in his chest. But he’d be ok he reasoned, he could get through a movie fine. He got about 20 minutes in before he felt hot tears on his face. 

‘Oh’ David said softly at the screen. They’d both been quiet, he assumed Patrick, who unlike him was capable of watching a movie in silence, had just been watching. Though he hadn’t even sensed him move in a while. He was oddly still. David looked over and Patrick’s cheeks were streaked with tears. He was softly crying. But crying a lot. David frowned and reached an arm over to his back and rested his hand there. 

‘Hey’ he said softly, ‘Everything ok over there?’ 

To his eyes-that had cried over many a movie- this didn’t look like just getting emotionally involved. Something that was confirmed when Patrick didn’t look at him. He swallowed eyes fixed on the screen. He didn’t seem to be trying to -or maybe able to- stem the steady flow of tears on his cheeks. David didn’t push. Or when, after a moment Patrick sniffled a bit harder and wiped at his face but didn’t respond. David was conscious he’d never seen him cry- not properly cry like this. If it was just the movie Patrick would have laughed it off. Made a joke about being too much like David already. Clearly, something in the movie had set him off, but it was obviously more than that. But he didn’t seem ready, or able to say anything. He rubbed his hand up and down again on his boyfriend’s back. 

‘You want to come here?’ He tried still keeping his voice soft and neutral. Something about the way Patrick wasn’t looking at him said to tread lightly. 

He could have shut his emotions down, not let the movie take him there. That’s what he’d usually do. Usually, he’d have not let the film into his brain like that, not let it get the better of him. Or he’d have done something about it- suggested watching something else. Or at least sneaking off to the bathroom, letting his emotions out and coming back. Got it out of his system and then controlled his emotions for the rest of the movie. But none of that happened. He’d just let the tears happen instead. Part of him hoped he’d get away with it, a quiet cry in the dark he could brush off as a response to the movie. But then David had noticed. Of course, he’d noticed. For a second he’d frozen, like a rabbit in headlights. A crying rabbit in headlights. As if for as long as he didn’t move David wouldn’t know. But the minute David offered up the invitation something in him broke. Patrick closed his eyes briefly. Which only made more tears fall heavy and thick on his cheeks. But then he nodded and let David pull him towards him. 

‘Ok then let’s do that.’ David muttered, pulling him over gently. Patrick worked his way down so he was lying with his head on David’s chest. He couldn’t look at him or it would be worse. He couldn’t see the concern on his face, the worry. The worry that his normally in-control boyfriend was losing it a bit over a film. He was already struggling to keep slightly under control. He buried his head in David’s sweater. Maybe if he could just lie there for a minute he could focus a bit. Maybe if he didn’t watch for a bit. He worked an arm around David so he was holding on. Aware this wasn’t like him. Aware David was usually the one winding himself around him. But he’d instinctively needed him. He’d never felt that before either. He felt David kiss his head and he clung on a bit tighter hoping it would help. And it started to, slowly he felt a bit more even like everything slowed down a bit. 

Patrick was burrowing himself into David. There was no other word for it. He’d buried his head in his sweater, and worked an arm around his stomach and was holding on, probably tighter than he realised. He’d never done that either. David was the one to wrap himself around Patrick like an octopus. It wasn’t that he wasn’t affectionate, far from it, but this felt different. It felt like he needed something from David. And he wasn’t quite sure what, or if he was doing it right. He wasn’t sure anyone had ever needed him like that. But he wrapped one arm around Patrick’s back and pulled him a bit closer, and brought his other arm around him. Finally, he dropped his head briefly to kiss the top of his head. That made him snuggle in deeper. And David felt a pull at his chest. He hoped he was doing this right. David could feel him crying a bit, a slight hitch in his breathing, this was such unchartered territory. He didn’t know what to do. Did he turn the movie off? Let it keep playing? It wasn’t about just the movie clearly. But it wasn’t about it either. David’s mind raced to several possibilities. And then several more about what the best course of action was. He clearly wasn’t ready to talk, but he didn’t want to make the choice for him. 

‘Do you want to watch something else?’ 

He felt a shrug into him. 

His mind raced. Sometimes a good cry at a movie was what you needed. To get all the ugly crying out and whatever it was really about to the surface. But at the same time, sometimes if what it was really about was already cutting too deep, you didn’t need the movie to help with that. He decided to give it a minute longer. 

David reached down for the blanket at the bottom of Patrick’s bed. It wasn’t cold, but he felt like if he literally wrapped up Patrick it might help. Silly but making them a cosy blanket fort might just be comforting. He pulled it over them and felt Patrick shift and pull at it. And then he heard a soft hiccuping cry. That deepened a bit. 

‘Oh hey, hey.’ David really didn’t know what to do. What Patrick needed. 

David couldn’t have known. Why would he? But he chose that exact second to pull the blanket his Grandma had made for him when he first left home. That he’d kept all this time. And it really broke him. He suddenly found himself choking back sobs, actual sobs and trying to control himself. 

‘Sor-ry David’ he managed, clinging on to him and the blanket. 

‘What do you need?’ David whispered, sounding slightly panicked.

Patrick closed his eyes and tried to breathe. Feeling David under him. Then he felt David’s hand on the back of his neck softly. 

‘Hey can you look at me a sec? Just so I know you’re ok?’ David sounded genuinely worried. 

‘Sor-ry’ he managed again and looked up. David looked as worried as he sounded. So Patrick did all he could think to and leaned in and kissed him. Something took over in him and he deepened it for a moment. Desperate and needy. And it worked. For a moment. Focused on that he forgot everything else. David seemed to take the hint and let him, deepening the kiss, working his arms around Patrick’s shoulders and pulling him close. Patrick managed to stop crying and pulled back, suddenly embarrassed as this whole ‘outburst.’ 

‘Sorry.’ he muttered again. Lowering himself to the pillow next to David. 

David took a second, assessing the situation. And caught a tiny grimace of something that looked like pain on Patrick’s face as he clearly caught some of the dialogue again. 

‘Why don’t we…’ David said leaning over for the laptop, ‘Try something else.’ he clicked around for a few seconds until he flicked onto The Great British Bake Off. There was little more neutral viewing territory than baking and British innuendo. ‘There.’ he declared ‘Nothing bad is going to happen except a Soggy Bottom or two.’

Patrick laughed softly. David settled back into the pillows next to him and held up his arm, inviting Patrick over. He gave a small nod of thanks and rolled into him. David had expected him to just rest his head there, but he burrowed into him again. He got it, not quite ready. He dropped his head and kissed his forehead, letting him know it was ok. He was confused, but he could wait it out. He pulled the blanket back up over them and watched the baking for a bit.

Patrick let the pastel colours of Bake Off wash over him for an episode. Feeling the warmth of David under him. And feeling some of the tension slip away. As the credits rolled on one episode and another began, he shifted his head slightly so he could see David. His eyes were fixed on the screen, but he felt him rub a thumb back and fore on his shoulder as he felt him shift. 

‘You ok down there?’ David muttered after a pause. 

Patrick nodded into him. He took a breath and pulled himself upright. David made a face of abject sympathy on seeing his face which seemed to indicate it was a mess. Patrick wiped at it, and ran a hand over his hair which probably did no good at all. David raised an eyebrow. 

‘Ok you’ve got to talk to me because I don’t know whether to apologize, make you tea, give you whiskey or throw you on the bed and like kiss you into talking to me.’

Patrick had to smile at the options, but it only lasted a second before embarrassment and confusion took over again. ‘Sorry David, and I’m sorry for this I know I'm not usually…’ he looked down fussing with the blanket. 

‘Hey no. No apologising. Don’t apologise for feeling things. Just…’ David shrugged then rested a hand on Patrick’s shoulder ‘Let me try and help.’

‘You are.’ Patrick said softly. ‘I’m being...dramatic.’

David gave him a lopsided smile. ‘As someone who is an expert in being dramatic, I assure you, this’ he gestured in Patrick’s general direction and he smiled a bit, ‘Is not dramatic.’ he hoped a bit of teasing helped. He was worried Patrick would just shut down on him when he clearly needed...something. He looked down and fussed with the blanket. He was slowly piecing together what this could be, but again treading lightly. ‘I never noticed before.’ he said ‘This is handmade isn’t it?’ he ran his hand over the stitching, which was impeccable. ‘It’s really good, beautiful work.’

Patrick mirrored David’s movement running his hand over the patchwork. He could see what David was doing and he was grateful. 

‘My Nana made it.’ he nodded his voice catching ‘She gave it to me when I left for College.’ his voice caught. ‘She um died a year ago today and I guess that's why I’m…’ he couldn’t finish as tears spilt over again and he felt pulled into David again. 

David was relieved. He felt guilty briefly, relieved that he hadn’t done anything. That nothing terrible had happened right now. But only because of this, this at once he couldn’t do anything about, but he could do his best to help. Even if it was just letting his boyfriend cry into his sweater. He kissed Patrick’s hair and gave him a squeeze. 

Patrick pulled back and wiped his face. At least that hadn’t spiralled totally this time. ‘And um, that film you chose, happened to be…’

‘One that reminded you of her.’ David finished with a nod. ‘You could have just said…’ 

Patrick shrugged. ‘I didn’t want to…’ he shrugged again. ‘And then I went and cried anyway, still am.’ he sniffed. And paused. ‘They were scattering her ashes today, and I wasn’t there.’

David squeezed him. ‘Why not?’ he asked carefully. Aware this could be opening up a can of worms. ‘I mean did you want to be? Did you think you shouldn’t go because of the Store or whatever? Because you know it would have been fine right? You can take time off any time to go and see your family, and especially for something like-’

‘David, no, it’s not.’ Patrick gently stopped him. ‘I don’t know why.’ he said softly. Really he did. The thought of seeing his family had got so weighted now. So filled with everything they didn’t know, that he’d panicked and said he couldn’t get away. He’d promised himself that the next time he saw them in person he’d tell them. He’d gone over and over it in his mind. It was both a terrible and perfect time to tell them. His Mom was already upset so he wasn’t the only cause, but of course he couldn’t be responsible for making her more upset. It was selfish of him to consider going home and making it about him. But he could have, it could have all been over now either way. He could be finally able to be honest with his parents, or he could have been driving home after it all went wrong. Home to David who didn’t know about any of it. 

‘Maybe that whiskey isn’t such a bad idea?’ he said. David nodded and watched Patrick get up roundup glasses and a bottle, which he brought back to bed. David turned the Baking off and put some music on instead, one of Patrick’s folk playlists of more-than-obscure artists. But they were gentle and soothing and David knew it was the music he went to when he was stressed or anxious. Patrick noticed and gave him a little nod of thanks as he poured them both a drink and settled in against the pillows. David looked at him, reaching an arm gently over his shoulders, they sat for a little while in silence. Eventually, David spoke. 

‘My Grandmas couldn’t have been more different.’ he said carefully, hoping this helped. ‘Grandma Rose was the most formidable Jewish Grandma you can imagine.’ he added ‘Nana, my Mom’s Mom was...well imagine my Mom but she grew up in the middle of nowhere without anything and with the same dress sense...just with less budget.’

Patrick laughed. ‘The apple didn’t fall far from any of those trees then.’ he smiled at David who briefly looked insulted but smiled. 

‘No it did not.’ he said with a grin. He grew serious ‘I don’t really remember Grandma Rose, she died when I was a kid, like eight or nine. She always brought cookies when she visited though.’ he smiled. ‘The first time I saw my Dad cry was when she died.’ he said softly. Patrick gave him a little smile. 

‘Your Dad’s an only child too right?’ he asked. David nodded. ‘It’s weird when there are no other kids, you end up close to the grown-ups I guess.’ He shrugged. ‘She looked after me a lot when I was a kid- both my parents worked, and unlike some people, we didn’t have a Nanny.’ he took a sip of his drink and glanced over at David, who smiled. 

‘Well, I was very close to the Nanny. I taught her to create a capsule wardrobe when I was ten.’ David nudged Patrick, pleased a bit of his usual spark was back. 

‘Oh I bet you did.’ he answered. He felt David shift a bit to his left and looked over. He had a serious expression on his face, almost worried. 

‘I’m not great at understanding how functional families work, but I can try.’ he said softly.

Patrick leaned over and kissed him. ‘The Roses are a lot more functional than you think.’ he said ‘And maybe my family less than you think.’ he shook his head ‘I don’t know, I don’t mean...it’s just not perfect Hallmark family or whatever.’

‘Well, who is?’ David mused, slightly worried, but trying not to let it show. ‘I mean have you seen the families around here? Roland, his one son lives in a barn and then there’s Bob’s Nephew…’ Patrick chuckled, glad of David’s slight deflection. They lapsed into silence again, Patrick sipping his drink. David gently rubbing his thumb back and forth on his shoulder. 

‘You were close then?’ he prodded gently. 

Patrick nodded. Letting himself think about her fondly for the first time now, rather than trying to push her away. ‘Yeah.’ he said sadly, but keeping it together. ‘She came to every school play or concert I ever did, she used to tell my Dad I was going to be a musician, not a ‘boring accountant’- she really had no idea what I did at college, she just wanted me to play music.’

David smiled leaning into him. It was lovely, the idea of someone always supporting the thing you loved. 

‘I was never going to do that, I mean it’s a fun hobby but...she always loved it when I played music.’ He smiled fondly thinking about it, all the family parties he’d played at, or sometimes just after a Sunday lunch at his parents' house. ‘One time’ he grinned at the memory, ‘She came to this terrible bar near my parents' house where I was playing in an open mic night, and she got really really drunk...she was what, 78 by then?’ he laughed and wiped away the couple of tears that escaped. ‘She was something.’ he looked down, running a finger over the pattern of the quilt again, looking down. He glanced over at David, who caught his look, and stilled his hand by covering it with his own, rubbing his thumb back and fore. ‘When I moved back home before I came here. I um, well I didn’t have a job for a while, and I and Rachel had…’ he shrugged ‘So I helped my Mom out taking care of Nana. Just driving her to appointments, or taking her out places. That sort of thing.’

David smiled, and leaned over and kissed his head. Patrick was so good and kind, and nice. And entirely oblivious to it. ‘That must have been nice. Spending time with her.’ 

Patrick nodded. ‘She was, I guess struggling by then, but she was still really sharp in her mind.’ he smiled fondly. ‘We’d talk a lot. I was…’ he looked into his drink ‘I guess a bit of a mess then’ he felt David tighten his grip. ‘She used to tell me ‘it’ll all work out Pat’- and she is, by the way, the only person who gets away with calling me Pat.’ 

David laughed. ‘Noted.’ he said. 

Patrick shifted a bit and downed his drink. ‘One day.’ he said carefully ‘We were having tea on our own, I knew I was moving away by then and I told her that nothing in my life had ever felt quite right, that I knew I’d made a mess of everything just…’ he shrugged and finished his drink. ‘She told me, uh, she told me to just be who I really am and everything would be ok in the end.’ he glanced over at David who gave him a little nod before taking his glass and pulling him into a tight hug. 

‘She was right.’ he whispered, holding on a bit tighter. ‘I wish I’d got to meet her.’ 

And from nowhere- or more like everywhere he was crying again and he couldn’t tell David why. His boyfriend who was being patient and kind and wrapping him up in his arms, and he couldn’t tell him the truth. Which only made him cry harder. He couldn’t remember crying like that before. Except once. The day he’d driven away from home, the day he’d eventually ended up here. When everything about the year that led to that point finally caught up with him. And he’d had to pull over on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. It had got dark before he’d been able to move and he’d got to Ray’s late at night and made up an excuse about a flat tire. And since then he’d kept most of it locked away. Only occasionally letting some of it seep through. 

Patrick was crying again now. But not like before. This wasn’t the soft sadness when he was watching the movie or even the gentle sobs from earlier. This was a deep visceral cry from somewhere far deeper. He wasn’t an expert in emotional connection but he understood that. That kind of deep crying that came from something darker inside, something you either couldn’t name or talk about yet. And he could see that in Patrick right now. This was something else too. And something he didn’t seem ready or able to share. It was painful to watch as his boyfriend sobbed in his arms. And he found himself fighting back tears as he held him. Eventually, he stilled and David let him stay there for a bit until he was sure he was ok. Eventually, he pulled the blanket back around them. 

Patrick felt the weight of the blanket being pulled over them both, and then David’s arms back around him. 

‘I’m sorry.’ Patrick whispered into his neck. 

David pulled back and shook his head. He reached a hand to Patrick’s cheek and leaned in and kissed him. ‘Don’t ever be sorry for how you feel ok?’ it caught in his throat as he said it, and he bit his lip. There was so much he wanted to ask. If there was something he didn’t know, something he could help with, talk about. Anything. But he also knew what it was to not be ready. He could take a thousand guesses, and he was certain he knew in part where this was coming from. But it wasn’t his place to force it. It was his job to be the one to hold his boyfriend and be there when he was ready. He leaned in and kissed him again. 

‘I love you.’ he said, trying to convey all that in a kiss and those three words, those words he’d struggled with for so long, causing him as much hurt as it looked like Patrick was feeling. 

‘I love you.’ Patrick whispered, and pulled himself back into David’s chest. Feeling like a little more time curled into him might help. 

‘More Baking?’ David murmured into his hair. 

‘Mmm.’ Patrick agreed ‘Maybe some Tarts will have a Soggy Bottom’

David laughed and fussed with the laptop, and settled back down. ‘I’m sorry about your Nana sweetheart.’ he said stroking his boyfriend’s hair. Patrick didn’t answer, he reached for David’s hand and entwined their fingers instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always felt there must have been clues both of them chose to ignore that all wasn't quite smooth with Patrick's Coming Out pre-'Meet the Parents' or moments things cracked open a bit for Patrick. So here's one version of that.
> 
> ETA: I deliberately left the Movie unamed so people can project their own idea into it.


	7. Patrick and David

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time David and Patrick cry together, and face up to their pasts and what brought them together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post 'Meet the Parents' and really just a lot a lot of feelings from both of them.

The first time they cried together there was a lot of crying. It was messy and necessary but more than either of them anticipated after what had been, all things considered, a good week. Until it wasn’t. And they were shouting at each other across Patrick’s kitchen. 

‘I’m just saying I never hid who I was!’ 

‘Of course not! Because you’re you!’

‘And why do you think I’m me? That I’m like this? Because I had to be!’ he was shouting now he was aware. ‘You had it easy.’ he regretted it the instant he said it. ‘Fuck.’ he muttered. He had meant it. Because it was the truth. But he hadn’t meant it like that. As an attack. He was better than that, they were better than that. He leaned on the counter for a second and closed his eyes. 

This wasn’t how this conversation had been meant to go. Patrick had asked if he was upset. He’d told himself he would answer honestly. Except whenever he tried to be honest it came out too honest. And he’d said yes. Because Patrick had hidden him. And Patrick already on the defensive- probably in anticipation of David being likewise, had said it wasn’t hiding him and David had said what would he call it then. And then he was yelling. 

It knocked the wind out of Patrick for a second. He blinked at David who was now standing still with the mug in his hand not knowing what to do with himself. Patrick just nodded and sat down. He supposed he deserved it. For what he’d done. Suddenly David was standing behind the couch reaching his arms around Patrick’s neck from behind. Patrick reached up and touched his hand. 

‘I’m not taking it back.’ David said firmly, ‘But also what I said, doesn’t diminish what you went through ok? That’s not what I meant ok?’ Patrick nodded not looking at him, so he came around to kneel in front of him. ‘And I don’t resent it ok? Because it’s what you do. It’s what you should do. Make it easier for the ones who come after you. Especially if that person is someone you love?’ he looked up ‘If that person is the person you love most in this stupid world ok?’

Patrick nodded. He still didn’t know what to say. 

‘And I’ll say it again, that doesn’t diminish everything you went through inside. It doesn’t ok?’ Patrick nodded again. ‘But this.’ he gestured meaning the town, his family, him everything ‘This was easy.’

Patrick looked at David, whose eyes were filled with tears now, and wiped at his own eyes. ‘I know.’ he said softly. ‘I know.’ he did know how lucky he’d been. How much worse other people had it. He jerked his head asking David to join him on the sofa, which he did hauling himself up and pulling his knees up to his chest protectively. 

Patrick gave him that. He leaned back too and gave him a second before he spoke. ‘Tell me about it.’ Patrick said softly. He reached a hand to David’s knee and gently squeezed seeing if he’d tolerate it. David looked over sceptical. ‘Tell me.’ Patrick said. They needed to talk about the other stuff, but he sensed David also needed to do this. ‘I didn’t tell you my stuff. But you’ve never told me this either. Maybe it’s time.’ It was a gamble. But there was something in this Patrick sensed, that they both needed to hear. 

David looked at him for a long moment. He wiped his eyes, and smiled softly when Patrick reached over and gently wiped his cheek. A peace offering of ‘I know we’re not ok yet, but I love you.’ He nodded again. 

‘Just the usual really.’ he said quietly, looking down. 

Patrick took a breath. ‘David.’ he said ‘I lived most of my life as a straight guy who likes sports. While I’ve seen things, heard things. I have no idea what ‘the usual’ means for someone…’ he paused, conscious that adding ‘like you’ wasn’t helpful right now. ‘Who didn’t have that life.’ he said. 

David knitted his eyebrows together. He’d never held it against Patrick, he’d never really given it that much thought, not in their strange bubble of acceptance and happiness. And he’d always focused on what his boyfriend was going through now. Which frankly was more than enough to deal with for anyone. But he really had lived a different first half of his life. He nodded at him. Thankful for the admission. 

‘Well you’ve met me. I’m me.’ he said bitterly gesturng at himself. Ironically he looked less ‘David’ than usual in his old plain hoodie and sweat pants. Even his hair was flat after his shower. He was tired. And he didn’t have to be ‘him’ at home with Patrick. He felt Patrick reach and arm around his shoulders in a silent signal both that he was there, but also telling him to drop some of the defences. Sure enough he muttered. 

‘David come on.’ softly before resting his head briefly on his shoulder. He’d sensed David was run down. The stressful weekend with his parents, and everything it entailed. And he’d done so well with them, over three dinners and a bruch, giving them tours of the Store and town, even giving his Mom a skincare makeover. He’d gone above and beyond and Patrick had just ruined it. ‘David, I want to know.’ he added softly. 

‘Ok ok.’ David said. Pulling himself a bit more upright. ‘I wasn’t always, this.’ he gestured with his free hand. He took a breath. ‘You asked me what happened to me in High School?’ he was being defensive and spiky with it he could feel but he was on a roll now. ‘Well the truth is I was this awkward, dorky skinny guy-who needed a nose job.’ Patrick squeezed him, warning him to stay on track. But it didn’t really help. The bitterness of High School memories had taken over. ‘I didn’t have any friends really. And I knew I was...different, clearly in more ways than one, because you’ve met my family, and well me, and then add in that I might want to go to the Prom with a boy and wear a dress...well it wasn’t exactly a happy musical about acceptance in the 90s. People were a lot less progressive.’ He huffed ‘Oh and a nice reminder of how old I am compared to you.’ he flopped his legs into a cross legged position reminiscent of a High School teen. 

Patrick didn’t respond to his strop. He leaned his head down again briefly resting on David’s shoulder. Then he got up. He retrieved a bottle of wine and some glasses, and sat down again, pouring a large glass of each. ‘Do you want to know how many dances I went to in High School?’ David shrugged taking the glass. 

‘None.’ Patrick answered. ‘I was too scared too.’ 

‘But you’re so sure of...everything.’ David blinked at him. 

‘Really David? I’m sure of everything? Given the context of this conversation I think that's...a stretch.’ 

David took a sip of his wine. That was fair. He’d got so caught up in the present he’d let himself forget the past for a bit. He nodded. And looked into his wine. ‘It just got worse and worse.’ he muttered. ‘And you know what kids are like.’ he made a face, ‘And I’m useless at sports and you know what sports guys get like with guys who aren’t.’ he paused and looked over ‘Some sports guys obviously.’ he gave a little smile at last. 

Patrick smiled back and nudged his knee against David’s. ‘You think sports guys are nice to the short pale guy who is also in drama club and band?’ Patrick said with a soft smile. It had been easier, but it hadn’t always been easy. 

‘Yeah well I was just in drama club.’ he said ‘And you’re not that short. You are that pale.’ he looped his arm through Patrick’s trying slowly to bridge the gap he’d built. Reassured when his boyfriend rested his hand on his arm as well. ‘You didn’t, I mean back then you didn’t…’ he glanced over not sure how ready Patrick was for this. 

Patrick shook his head, with the smallest of glances over at David. Who squeezed his arm. Appreciating he didn’t want to go deeper right now. There was silence for a bit. 

‘I can kind of forgive High School.’ he said eventually, ‘Kids are horrible to everyone, anyone who is a bit different. Barely anyone gets out alive. It’s the stuff...after that was always harder. When people know better.’ 

‘I thought...well you know ‘I brought a couple home in College and told my parents to deal with it’ Patrick shrugged. 

David smiled. He really did pay attention to everything. Quietly remembering every detail. ‘I did. And honestly my parents were the easy part. Sort of.’ he looked into his wine. ‘That couple? Dumped me the next day. Not that it was anything but.’ it was his turn to shrug ‘it’s not really my disasterous romantic history, I mean whether I was straight, gay or whatever I think that’s just...me. It’s all the other stuff.’

‘Like what?’ Patrick asked patiently, he had enough of an idea but he knew David needed to get it out. 

‘It’s the stuff you put up with because that’s what the world is like even though it shouldn’t be and it.. The stuff that hurts.’ he rolled his eyes ‘I’m not explaining it right.’ he sighed. ‘I can put up with some guy throwing a drink on me because it makes him feel more of a man. I shouldn’t have to, but in the scheme of things...it’s …’ he searched for a word that wasn’t fine, because it was far from fine. ‘It’s their problem more than mine ultimately. But I had to teach myself that.’

Patrick nodded. He knew this sort of thing happened. He’d seen it happen and done his best to intervene sometimes. But he’d never had it happen to him. He wanted to offer something, to say how it shouldn’t happen. That he was sorry. But it all seemed so empty. He reached an arm around David’s shoulders instead. 

‘It was worse when it was...people close to me. People I trusted.’ he said quietly. There were so many examples to choose from he didn’t know where to start. ‘There comes a point where...the token Queer doesn’t fit the dinner party table plan.’ he rolled his eyes. ‘There’s a certain kind of person, who having someone like me around it’s fun it’s cool when you’re in your twenties...but then things get a bit...grown up and straight. Token Queer no longer requried when you have the Trophy Wife and kids and puppy.’ he sounded bitter. Because he was. Thirty had felt like falling off a social cliff when he no longer fit the ‘look.’ 

‘Ah’ Patrick said with a nod. 

‘Once you’ve added a bit of diversity to their wedding- at least I tick two boxes, nothing New York likes better than hitting your Jewish quota at a Christian wedding.’

‘David’ Patrick warned again. David shook his head. 

‘I was Best Man for one guy. About six months later we had plans, no big deal just a dinner or whatever. The day before he calls me up and says ‘look man sorry we’ve got plans it’s kind of a couples thing.’ and again and again that happened until I realised, I wasn’t the look they were looking for anymore.’ he shrugged ‘It sounds stupid, so fucking High School but slowly I realised I was getting pushed out more and more, the single Queer weirdo not good enough for any Upper East Side dinner parties. Guess I only ever was a gesture.’ he sighed. 

‘Didn’t you have…’ Patrick wasn’t sure what the way to ask was ‘Gay friends? Sorry.’ he looked embarrassed. 

David smiled and leaned over and kissed the top of his head. ‘So cute.’ he said and kissed him again to reassure him he was kidding. ‘I did, for sure. But it may shock you to know that I was not quite...gay enough for the New York Gays either.’ He gave Patrick a little nudge ‘not all gays obviously, before the politically correct police get me.’ he took a breath, ‘A hazard of swimming in both ponds, not quite fitting in with the I don’t know, required look for either.’ 

Patrick reached over a hand to his knee and David covered it with his own. ‘Maybe I’m super naive, but why, when if you don’t fit the...dominant norms...why not welcome everyone?’ he was relieved it was a world he’d never have to navigate. He blurted out ‘I mean do they want a full sexual and romantic history before they let you in.’

David laughed, and grinned at his boyfriend’s indignation. And his beautiful naivety to it all. He was glad in a way, to be able to protect him from all that. ‘Sometimes.’ he laughed. He paused thinking again. ‘You know when you said ‘what if they treat you differently’ it’s...nearly twenty years of people doing just that. It’s every single time you tell someone it might all change. I know Stevie loves that wine story. And it was cute and it worked if I do say so myself.’ Patrick smiled ‘But at the same time a tiny part of me was so scared the one person I liked in this town was going to turn on me, maybe run around telling people things about me…’ he shrugged ‘Automatic defence I guess.’ 

Patrick nodded, he could see that. A version of that had gone through his head when he’d been wrestling with his feelings about David. He wasn’t sure he could put it into words even now but he tried. ‘I um, I thought, because you thought - I mean that you probably thought I was one thing, if I said or did anything about how I was feeling it would change things not just because of us but because I wasn’t who you thought I was.’ 

‘Luckily I am a very generous, open minded person.’ David grinned, he leaned over and kissed Patrick softly. He felt his hand reach up and cup his cheek as Patrick deepened the kiss. The reassurance they both needed for a moment there. 

Patrick tried to tell him a lot in that kiss. He wasn’t sure he succeeded, but when he pulled back, he held onto David’s cheek a fraction longer. ‘Tell me. Whatever you think the worst of it is. Tell me.’ 

David bit his lip and nodded. He still didn’t know how Patrick managed it. To know exactly what he was thinking, especially when it was something he was holding back on. He shifted back a fraction and Patrick dropped his hand back to David’s knee. He could feel his thumb working back and forth a little. He closed his eyes for a second. 

‘There’s always the guy, the gets drunk and ‘has never done this sort of thing before’ guy. When I was younger I always got sucked in by them- no pun intended- and even when I knew, when I could spot them a mile off, I somehow ended up with far too many of them.’ he looked over at Patrick who was still listening patiently, ‘The thing with those guys is usually they just grunt their way out reminding you they aren’t gay or whatever, usually more choice langauge than that. Because clearly it’s my fault you chose to get drunk at a scummy bar and pick up the skinny boy with stupid hair- it was 2005.’

‘David.’ Patrick said softly, warning him to stay on track. He could sense where this was going but also that David needed to say it. He sighed and looked at him. 

‘And sometimes.’ he said ‘they liked to take it a step further, and take it out on the guy they’d picked up. Physically. Not often. But not once.’ he looked down. He couldn’t explain why he was ashamed of it. Maybe because it had happened more than once. That he should have known better. Been better. Something. 

‘David.’ Patrick said again. He wouldn’t look up. And then he saw his chest hitch and heard a soft noise. And instantly he shifted and wrapped himself around him. ‘You never have to go through that again. I promise.’ he rested his head on David’s back and felt him cry. Eventually he worked his way around and wrapped himself around him. ‘I love you.’ he muttered into his neck. David cried quietly on him for a minute.

He hadn’t meant to cry. To let it get to him like that. He pulled back and wiped his eyes, he owed Patrick one more thing. ‘I’ve never told anyone that.’ he said with a little nod. Patrick nodded back and reached over and wiped at his eyes with his sleeve. He swallowed and sat back, pulling his knees back up. ‘It’s not that bad, compared to what some people go through.’ he shrugged. 

‘David, nobody should have to go through that.’ Patrick said ‘Not for just being who they are.’ 

David lifted his head and looked over at his boyfriend. ‘Why do you think I wanted to protect you so badly?’ he said quietly, resting his chin as he did so. He watched it all sink into Patrick’s mind. ‘All I wanted was to protect you from any of that.’ he gestured wildly. Anger kicking in now. ‘Because that’s what you do, that's what you should do. For anyone dealing with it after you, try and make the world a tiny bit fucking easier than it was for you. But especially for someone you love.’ he was crying hard again now now ‘And I love you, and all I wanted was for this to be as easy for you as it can be, and you took me out of that! And you hid me! And I understand why. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel…’ he shrugged. And stopped, locking eyes with Patrick. ‘I thought you were ashamed of me.’ he said tears flowing down his cheeks. 

And then he couldn’t look at Patrick again. Sweet caring Patrick who only ever tried to make things right. But even for a fleeting moment he’d felt that again, that betrayal. That fear it was all going wrong. And not knowing what to do with himself walked over to the bed and flopped down on the edge. Letting the tears fall. He’d kept it together for the day, and the days beyond. He’d been proud of himself actually. For not falling apart. And it was selfish he knew it wasn’t about him. But it was about him too. He pulled his knees up to his chest again and buried his head. 

Patrick listened and watched his boyfriend meltdown in front of him. And it was his fault. It was all his fault. There was no arguing about it. No stupid bickering that led to a stupid argument. He’d hurt him. David had done everything in his power to make everything right despite the fact Patrick had hurt him in the process. He gave him a second before walking over to the bed and sitting down next to him. He reached a hand over and rested it on David’s back. Letting him know he was there but not pushing. He sensed he needed this. His chest heaved and Patrick rubbed his hand up and down his back letting him cry for a minute. Eventually he stilled a bit, sniffing softly. Patrick reached over to the bedside table and grabbed a handful of tissues, he nudged him gently and held them out. 

David wished it hadn’t come to that. He’d tried so hard to keep it in, not to give in to his more selfish thoughts and feelings. But he couldn’t help it. He’d been hurt by it. And two years ago he’d have locked it away and accepted it. No he realised two years ago he would have run away. But things were different now. And suddenly that made him cry harder. Because as hard as this was as hurt as he was, this was so much better. And he didn’t know what to do with that either so he cried some more. And Patrick, ever patient and kind, let him. 

Patrick didn’t know what happened to make David dissolve into more tears. But he knew he had to let him. As he cried he reached an arm around him. And eventually rested his head on his shoulder. Just like he’d let him three days ago when he was so scared about what would happen next. He didn’t speak for a long time, just let him cry. Eventually David calmed a bit and Patrick sat up.

‘David?’ Patrick’s voice was soft and even, asking for his attention. David looked up and locked eyes with him. He gave him a small smile and reached a hand to his arm. ‘David I am so sorry for what I did. It was wrong to hide it from you. It was wrong to hide you from them too. I was trying not to hurt them, and I hurt you instead and that was wrong. And I’m so sorry.’ 

David nodded slowly. ‘Thank you.’ he said softly. And sniffed. 

Patrick nodded. Continuing with what he knew he had to say ‘I owe your Dad an apology too, I know he feels bad, I’ll make it right with him too. That was on me as well.’

David bit his lip and nodded. He still wasn’t used to someone being so...good. ‘I mean my Dad says a lot of stupid things, it was inveitable really one of them would get him into trouble.’ he smiled. He appreciated Patrick taking the responsibility. 

‘Thank you.’ David said soft. ‘I’m sorry too. For this.’ 

Patrick shook his head gently, and reached over and kissed him deeply. David uncurled himself enough to kiss him back. It deepened. 

‘Do you...I mean ...could we?’ Patrick whispered. There was a lot he wanted to say but right now he also needed to feel something too. 

David pulled back and nodded at him. 

He rested his head on David’s shoulder for a second, but it was too overwhelming. He felt his chest tightening. 

‘I um, I’ll be back.’

‘Ugh no, don’t move.’ David moaned his eyes still closed. Flailing an arm in Patrick’s general direction as He sat up and pulled his underwear on quickly. 

‘Just, uh bathroom just a second.’ he heard the crack in his voice but hoped David didn’t. He saw him reach for him just as he moved hurrying across the apartment and shutting the door. Once the door shut something cracked. It felt like an actual crack running from his throat to his stomach, and he tried to stifle a hiccuping cry. He held himself up on the sink and doubled over trying to cry quietly, but feeling sobs rising from inside him. He had no idea why. He was fine. Everything was fine. More than fine. But he couldn’t stop. He perched on the bathtub and let it happen for a second hoping it would burn itself out. It sometimes had. Before. When he’d hiked alone, all those weeks when he first moved here. This had happened sometimes. From nowhere. He wasn’t a crier. Sure he was emotional at sports, even a movie. He’d welled up at weddings, and softly cried at funerals. But he’d never cried like this until he moved here. 

There was a soft tap at the door. 

‘Can I come in?’ David asked softly

‘I’m fine.’ Patrick managed to choke out. 

‘Not what I asked.’ David said with a smile as he opened the door. He was carrying Patrick’s robe. ‘Here, put this on you’ll get cold.’ he said draping it over his shoulders. Instinctively he wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and Patrick shocked both of them when he started, as if he’d been electrocuted at David’s touch. 

‘Oh, God sorry...sorry.’ he swallowed hard and realised he was shaking. 

David knelt on the floor in front of him. ‘Put that on.’ he said calmly. ‘It’s cold.’ he repeated. Patrick did as he was told, his crying had calmed for now to soft sniffling but he was definitely shaking. 

‘Sorry David I don’t know...what that was.’ he folded his arms across his stomach protectively. ‘I don’t know what ...this is.’ he added, which somehow set him off again. 

‘I do.’ David said softly, Patrick finally looked up at him, his eyes puffy and red, his cheeks streaked with tears. David desperately wanted to reach out and wipe them away, scoop him up in his arms, hold on to him. But he knew he had to give him space. Patrick was looking at him blankly. ‘It’s everything coming out.’ he said then rolled his eyes ‘Pardon the pun.’ 

He could see the pieces falling into place on Patrick’s face. But then he frowned. ‘But when you touched me...I …’ he looked really distressed, almost scared. 

David nodded. Pieces falling into place. ‘Did that ever happen, maybe before, when you weren’t comfortable with...stuff?’ he left it as ambiguous as he could. 

It felt like a wave of cold water rushing over him. The revelation. And then the fear, that David thought, that. And then he couldn’t formulate any kind of response, except to hiccup a cry. He managed to reach for David as he did so and felt himself pulled down to the floor with him. 

‘Oh honey, I got you.’ David muttered into his neck. ‘It’s ok.’ he felt Patrick hiccup into his neck and squeezed him. He felt him start again when he shifted his arms and just held on tighter ‘I know it’s not about me ok? I know. We’re ok.’ 

Patrick buried his head in David’s sweater and held on for a second. He cursed himself that his boyfriend’s loving touch had felt like being shocked. That every time he caught a bit of his skin exposed he’d jump. But David didn’t pull away. He shifted, he moved his hands to Patrick’s back where he was covered by the robe and ran his hands in soothing motion up and down. Finally he felt himself still a bit. He could breathe again, just about and he felt himself lean into David’s touch and things felt like they shifted back again. 

David felt the moment he came back to him, felt the shift as he leaned in rather than just tolerating the touch. He exhaled, relaxing a fraction. ‘You ok?’ he muttered, pulling back a bit. Patrick looked up at him and sniffed a bit. Seemingly back in control. David dropped his head down and kissed him gently. Instinctively he knew this wasn’t over, but it might be best to get them both off the bathroom floor. ‘Come on then.’ he said gently. 

Patrick let David pull him to his feet along with him, and let him fuss with his robe before hesitantly opening his arms for a hug. Patrick gratefully took it, and wound his arms around him. He felt David’s arms wind around his back and up to his head and he let out a breath. ‘Sorry’ he mumbled. David kissed his head before releasing him. It was only when they got back into the living area Patrick realised David was only wearing his underwear and t-shirt. He must have realised in a panic that Patrick wasn’t ok. He watched him go to the bed and retrieve his clothes, clearly freezing by now. He brought Patrick some pajamas too which he took with a nod. 

‘Thank you.’ Patrick said resting his hands on David’s hips and reaching up for a kiss. David obliged then wrapped his arms around him. 

‘Always.’ he murmured. As Patrick detangled himself to go back to the kitchen. 

He came back with two glasses of wine. And two slices of his birthday cake, that despite giving a lot to their parents, and Stevie and anyone else they could think of, was still going strong. 

‘I know cake isn’t a sophisticated wine pairing but…’ 

‘Cake goes with everything.’ David said, holding his hands out for the plate. Patrick smiled handing it over. Cake truly was also the answer to everything where David was concerned. Except when the answer was pizza. Patrick watched him eat happily, with utter concentration for a while, smiling at him. David must have sensed it because he looked over. 

‘What?’ he frowned eyebrows meeting in the middle. 

‘Nothing.’ Patrick smiled, ‘Though actually…’ he reached over and wiped a bit of frosting off David’s chin, smiling as he licked his finger. 

David watched something shift in Patrick’s face as he wiped the frosting off his face. And he leaned over and kissed him, lightly at first, then deepinging it. The only way David could describe it was a serious kiss. And sure enough, when Patrick pulled back his face was serious. 

‘I love you.’ he said softly.

David frowned. ‘I know.’ he said, as if Patrick had been answering an unspoken question or accusation. ‘I mean I love you too.’ he added for clarity in case Patrick needed it. He reached over to his boyfriend and rubbed his arm. ‘Are you ok?’

Patrick nodded but didn’t look it, ‘I just...I love you David.’ he said again ‘And I think-’

That was enough to tip David over into panic ‘What? What’s wrong I thought everything was-’

Patrick cut him off with a kiss. ‘It is. It’s fine. We’re fine. I promise.’ he stayed close enough to rest his forehead on David’s for a second, until he felt David nodd into him. He leaned back and took a breath. ‘It’s just you’ve been so honest with me and I think it’s time, with everything, I mean we’ve never talked about me, about you know how I knew, when I knew or any of that stuff.’

David sat up, putting his cake aside. He reached for Patrick’s arm again. ‘We don’t have to.’ he said. ‘It's the same as coming out, you talk about that stuff when you’re ready, only then. And you already got pushed into that this week and-’

‘And that’s why I need to.’ Patrick said firmly, locking eyes with David. Who nodded. Patrick sensed giving him the space to figure out how to say it. He leaned down and placed his plate at the end of the bed and pulled his legs under him so he sat cross legged looking at David. He felt like a kid ready for storytime. But David did the same, mirroring his posture and sitting up giving him his full attention. And giving him the space to figure out whatever it was he needed to say. He was doing that thing where he looked at him like he was the only thing in the world. And Patrick couldn’t help it he grinned, and laughed. David frowned at him. And Patrick shifted to smile gently. 

‘It was you.’ he said softly, ‘It was all you.’ 

David’s face flickered into a half grin, but he didn’t let himself waver in his attention. He resisted the temptation to make a quip. He sensed, as much as this was great for his ego, that Patrick had to get this out. 

‘I didn’t know David, I had no idea. And I know that’s not the conventional wisdom, that ‘somehow you knew deep down.’ I didn’t. Or at least if I did, I didn't know I knew. I don’t know.’ that made no sense he was aware. He paused trying to come up with the words. ‘And that makes me feel like I’ve done it wrong somehow? That if I didn’ secretly know all that time it can’t be true, and it is true. The way I feel it…’ he hadn’t meant to cry. Certainly not so soon after starting to explain. He wiped at his eyes.

‘It feels right.’ David said resting a hand on his knee. Patrick nodded and sniffed. David reached his other hand to Patricks’ knee, taking over for a second while he composed himself. ‘You know, when you told me that I made you feel right, not only was it the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard- outside of the Downton Abbey Christmas special’ Patrick laughed through his tears. ‘But it made sense. It made so much sense, it gave me the way to say what I never knew how to.’

Patrick looked up at him confused. Surely David with his ‘whoever’ attitude hadn’t felt the same. 

‘People have trouble understanding.’ he said ‘When I say it really is just the person for me. But saying ‘it feels right’ makes sense to me too.’ he looked down. ‘Also.’ he paused and felt Patrick reach for his arm and he looked up again. ‘It made me realise how few of those people, none of them really, had truly felt right. Not because of gender, but because they were just the wrong people.’ Patrick squeezed his arm. ‘I guess I didn’t know what right felt like either.’ he gave him a half smile. Patrick smiled back. They were still for a moment. David gave him a small nod as if to say carry on. He nodded back. 

‘I had no idea, really why it had never worked before. I just assumed it wasn’t about the right person. And then with you, I just needed to be around you. And I didn’t know why, or even I was doing it. And it took me weeks to even get an inkling of what that meant. I just thought, I don’t know that I just wanted to be your friend. How silly does that sound?’ 

David grinned at him. ‘To someone who has never been anyone’s first choice of friend very silly.’ he reached over for Patirck’s cake on the bed and poked at it a bit and ate it. 

Patrick could tell it was difficult for him to hear, to accept the effect he’d had. He reached over and scooped a finger full of icing and ate it. 

‘Hey!’ David exclaimed with a grin. He took another bite while he considered. ‘You really just wanted to ...be around me?’

Patrick smiled and nodded. ‘I don’t have lots of friends David.’ he said carefully ‘I have my sports team buddies, I had some work friends, I like people, I’m ...easygoing’ he said pointedly and David made a face ‘I’m good in a group, I blend in well unlike some people.’ he waved his cake at David with a grin, and he rolled his eyes. ‘But I never had many close friends. Only child, as you like to remind me.’ he grinned. One of David’s favourite huffs when Patrick wanted something a certain way was to declare it ‘only child behaviour’ the irony that of the two of them, David was the one who needed things done ‘correctly’ wasn’t lost. But he knew David also understood his like- his need- for alone time. For Patrick that was his only child upbringing, being used to his own company. Before David he’d got a little too used to his own company. ‘I’m not used to wanting to be around one person so much.’ he ‘or letting them get close.’ he said softly. It wasn’t something people usually guessed about him- friendly easygoing Patrick. That very few people in his life outside his family he considered ‘close’ to him. 

‘Well I think I know a thing or two about that.’ David said. He poked at the cake again and ate a bit. Patrick reached over and took a forkful too. Thinking back over those first weeks. They’d been confusing, but also exciting. In a way he’d never experienced before. Of course life with David was never dull regardless. Especially when he was first learning that. 

‘Then, we spent more time together and I started to wonder...about what I was feeling.’ He rolled his eyes licking the fork ‘It makes me sound like a teenager but I was having all these feelings I didn’t understand. I- I couldn’t look at you but I couldn’t look away either. All day every day it was driving me crazy.’ he smiled shyly and David smiled back. ‘You drove me crazy from day one.’ 

David leaned over and kissed him. ‘How did you…’ he shrugged realising it was a bit egotistical to ask ‘when were you attracted to me?’ luckily Patrick grinned. And blushed slightly. 

‘You walked into the Store one day, just one random day while we were setting up, and my stomach flipped. Like I actually felt it. Because you looked gorgeous. I’d never…’ he shrugged, and suddenly he felt tears in his eyes again ‘It was the first time I felt one of those things you were supposed to feel. I just thought.’ he sniffed ‘I never thought any of that stuff was real I just thought it was what people said in books or whatever.’

That did it for David. His beautiful, kind and sweet fiance thought the feeling of being attracted to someone was a made-up story. Tears spilled over his eyes and he shook his head. 

‘It’s not fair.’ he said quietly crying steadily now. 

Patrick frowned at him and wiped at his own eyes. ‘What?’

‘You went all that time not knowing...it’s not fair.’ he sniffed again and looked up, and felt Patrick rest his hand on his chest. 

‘It doesn’t matter,’ he said, his voice soft ‘Because I know now. That’s all that matters.’ 

David sniffed and nodded. But he was still crying. He’d never hurt for someone quite as much as he hurt for Patrick before. And he was struck not for the first time, by just how difficult life had made things for them. 

‘Hey, come on.’ Patrick said gently, jerking his head towards the pillows, he shuffled awkwardly towards them and pulled David with him. He wrapped his arms around him, rubbing a hand up and down his arm. ‘It all worked out right?’ he said softly, sensing this wasn’t just about him. Sure enough this made David cry harder, his chest heaving up and down. ‘Hey, hey’ Patrick said, rubbing up and down his back and dipping his head. ‘Ok, I got you.’

It was like another damn breaking. David didn’t want to make it about him, but he felt wrung out. Exhausted and somewhere in there angry. That this was so hard. That they both had to spend an evening crying because that’s what the world, and life did to them. And he’d done enough crying in the past for all the things he’d got wrong. He just wanted things to be ok for Patrick. He burrowed into him for a little longer. Then he pulled himself up. 

‘I just wish things weren’t so hard. For you. For me for…’ he shrugged. 

Patrick nodded. ‘Me too.’ he said with the first hint of sadness or regret David had heard from him. He shifted so he could look up at him. 

‘Did you, I mean...I don’t know how to ask this, and I don’t know if you would have, and I’m not angry if you did but-’

‘I never wished I wasn’t.’ Patrick interrupted him, ‘Not for a second. Not for you, not for being gay, none of it.’

David nodded. And his mouth quirked into a small smile. ‘Is that what- I mean labels aren’t everything but- is that what you want to use?’ he blinked slowly, and smiled back as Patrick smiled. 

He’d spent lots of time thinking over it. All the hours he’d been working out what he was feeling, and then hours on top of that wondering what it all meant. But as the months had gone on he’d become more and more certain. 

‘Yeah.’ he said with a nod ‘I’m Gay David.’ he hadn’t expect it to feel so emotional to say. But the second he said it he was crying. David nodded at him ‘I’m Gay David.’ he repeated. He felt David reach for him and pull him in, kissing his neck as he wrapped himself around him and cried. With relief, with exhaustion, with happiness. And a bit of sadness for all the wasted years. 

‘I’m proud of you.’ David whispered in his ear, ‘So proud of you.’ 

That set both of them off, Patrick softly cried into David’s neck while he felt his eyes fill up with tears again. He felt it all- the pain and the relief in Patrick, and he’d never been more proud. Or filled with love. 

Patrick buried himself in David’s neck crying again. A mix of relief and happiness tinged with a bit of sadness for all that he had missed out on. But also a lot of gratitude. For this man, and this place and all it had done. And he cried a bit for the pain he saw in his boyfriend too, and everything he’d gone through. 

Eventually they both stilled and Patrick pulled back and kissed David softly. ‘You ok?’ he asked. David nodded, then buried his head back in Patrick’s neck. Not crying now but not quite ready to face the world again. Patrick felt that. In fact he felt exhausted. He reached down and pulled the blanket from the bed over them. David shifted so he was half lying on top of him, an arm looped around him. Patrick did the same, snaking an arm around his back and holding on. He dropped his head to David’s neck and kissed him, bringing his other hand up to his hair. Maybe they just needed to lie there for a bit. Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with this slightly melancholy early 2021 fic. Sometimes we all need a good cry right. And a hug would also be good about now.


End file.
